9.29.2003

Things and Prayers That Would Be Nice.

Brian's Birthday Wish List
{brian's 20th birthday is on september 29th!}
{bolded items are new since the latest additions}


Music:
ohn Mayer - Live @ the Air Canada Centre [picked it up myself]
An acoustic guitar pick-up [should be coming in the mail]
John Mayer - Heavier Things
A Discman to play it in OR
an MP3(/WMA) Player to play the tracks OR
a CD/MP3(/WMA) Player to play anything i burn
PLUS a wired remote for that CD/MP3 player


Books [need new material into the winter]:
Frank Herbert - Dune [yes, all six books!]
Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson - The Butlerian Jihad [thanks Ate!]
Douglas Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: a Trilogy in Five Parts [make sure it's in five parts!]
Bruce Wilkinson - The Prayer of Jabez for Teens
JRR Tolkien - The Silmarilion and/or Unfinished Tales

Other Stuff:
a new school-bag [bought a new one] {gahaha, at WOODSIDE!}
a co-op placement [uhhh, thanks kuya!? heh]
a new computer/laptop [thinking of buying/building one when i get paid]
car insurance for a year
a DVD box set of the classic anime, Neon Genesis Evangelion AND/OR
End of Evangelion DVD
a black trenchcoat
a new pair of Vans
a comfortable pair of Dark Martens
new furniture for my room [it's the only way i'll clean my room!]
a burgundy Signature album [Thanks Jeff and Trina!]
..........hugs

Prayers:
life, love, happiness [for everyone!]
to learn why some friends have abandoned me (and if i'm lucky)
to regain those friendships that i've lost
[answered]
Regional Leader's Conference -- for it to run smoothly
For the East 2 Chapter to grow exponentially --
-- alongside YFC Toronto and the world
for the burdens on my mind and in my heart to be taken away [answered]
for Jackie -- that she decides what's best for her, not anyone else [ongoing]
to have that future filled with hope --
-- the one that God has planned for me
the courage to follow that plan [answered]................

9.23.2003

My first real "Immunity Challenge."

a couple days ago, i wrote about
the dis-ease of love.

gosh -- it hurts to love,
when it feels like
they don't care...

so much dis-ease i'm feeling right now...

for a while, i was thinking
"i'm too scared to talk to you, to say anything."
"talk to me when you stop thinking of yourself."
"talk to me when you stop being angry."
"talk to me when you need me to stop being angry -- if you need me."
"talk to me when you want to know about my day."
"YOU'RE WELCOME, for helping out at the store."

so much dis-ease i felt, on the bus ride home
a couple of hours ago...

then it came to me.

"did i even try to ask her what was wrong?"
"i knew what was wrong, but....
what if she wanted to talk about it?"

at the time, i remembered
all the other times i tried to ask
and failing to get a reply --
-- feeling the dis-ease burden my heart --
-- making it even heavier.

"no, forget it, i'm not asking."
"i'm not getting myself hurt *this time."
"i'm not letting her hurt me *this time."

of course it didn't work.
i still felt it --
-- still felt dis-eased.

but on the bus ride home, i thought about it.

"is she just absorbing in herself
because she thinks i don't understand?"
"is she staying quiet, waiting for me to ask her?"
"did i even try to show her that i wanted to help her --
-- that no matter how moody she's being --
i still love her?"
"is she misinterpreting my messages of fear into
messages of dislike, messages of..... anger?"

"gotta keep loving."
"continuing to love her hurts
when she's like this, when all she feels is anger --
-- so much anger that her eyes start to tear up --
-- so much anger that she wished she were dead."

"But I gotta keep loving her."
"Love is the remedy to itself."
"she won't let me do anything for her."
"so all i can do is pray --
-- pray that God is taking care of her --
-- in His own way."

So I got home.
Called her, as per my self-given responsibility.
Got off the phone 30 seconds later,
after she takes out her anger on me,
for something that i didn't do.

so i'm thinking
"hey, i empathize, don't think i don't."
"why do you think i called?"
"i only wanted to know how you were feeling since earlier."
"i only wanted to apologize for the way i acted earlier."
"would you rather i not call?"
"would you rather i not care?"
"why not go out and say it, then?"
"when will you tell me that
you don't need me -- as you once did?"
"when will you tell me that i'm the reason for your unhappiness --
-- all your unhappiness over the past 2 years?"
"when will you tell me that you'd be better off without me?"
"when will you tell me that i haven't made any difference in your life?"

*sigh*
Love is the remedy for itself.
Love is dis-easing me right now, but....
Gotta keep loving.
It's the only way.

God, help me to love her.....

9.22.2003

The things you find when you clean your room.
here's one of the things that i found.....

I shall be like the wind:
free-spirited, free-flowing, and unconfined.

I shall praise God with
all my heart, all my soul, all my body, and all my mind.

Like the wind,
I shall lift people up to the Lord.
I will sustain them with Jesus,
Like on eagle's wings.

I shall be a balance:
of school,
of work,
of family,
of friends,
of spiritual life,
and of YFC.

I shall be like a tornado:
collecting,
gathering,
bringing together people
to God and to YFC.

I shall take my God-granted lessons
from school and YFC,
my knowledge,
my wisdom,
and my experiences:
to inspire,
to advice,
to counsel,
and to forgive and forget the sins of everyone i can --
-- as others have done unto me.

I shall accept people for
who they were,
who they are,
and who they have yet to become.

As the wind bends the willow;
I will bend to God's will.

I shall obey His word,
and I shall do no harm.


ยท brian padua -- personal mission statement, April '98 (Grade 9)
post-Discovery Camp: Power Workshops (Day 1)




i had forgotten this mission statement.
i knew i had it somewhere, but..........
i remember really meaning what i had written -- back then.
even though i had forgotten the words,
i'm glad that i grew in the way that i wanted to grow --
in the way God wanted me to.

i wrote that over five years ago.
five years ago?
i still have quite a ways to "grow"..........

9.19.2003

Love is the remedy for itself.

Assumption: Every disease has a remedy.

Remember -- remedy, not cure.
Based on the assumption of a "cure,"
one could conclude that every disease could be destroyed.
A remedy simply states that there is a way to relieve a disease's effects.

Assertion: Love can be a disease.

Disease -- Dis-Ease.
Love can cause dis-ease.
I'm sure we've felt the dis-ease of love at some point in our lives.
Parents try to discipline us out of love --
-- to the point of causing us dis-ease.
A close friend disregards good advice completely --
-- without reason, without explanation, without thinking far enough ahead.
Pride gets in the way -- an even worse dis-ease, if not handled well.
Disease can spread throughout the body --
-- or among other bodies.
Dis-ease can occupy the mind --
-- or among other minds.

Conclusion: Love must have a remedy.

Question:: What are possible remedies?

Some people numb the dis-ease by
over-stimulating the senses --
-- blasting music until the ears almost fail,
drugs and alcohol, sex, cutting themselves.

Others think the easiest remedy is to
deny that love is a disease --
-- to deny that love never existed --
-- to deny that one was never dis-eased by love.

But when the cause of the dis-ease returns,
the dis-ease is felt --
-- no matter how numb the physical senses have become --
-- no matter how much one denies having dis-ease --
-- no matter how much one tries to ignore it.
It's there, no matter what mask or what wall is put up
to defend the hurts the dis-ease has caused.
Denying the dis-ease is just as bad as
being caught up in it.

Question: How can one diagnose love's effect of dis-ease?

Diagnosing the dis-ease is easy,
if one has been dis-eased by love through experience.
The physical signs and scars are easy to observe, but
there are other ways to diagnose it.
One can see it in another's eyes through the neutral or the smiling mask --
-- one can hear it in another's voice -- or in the silence --
-- one can feel it in the air that another gives off from behind the solid rock wall --
-- this much is obvious to an experienced, previously dis-eased observer.

Assertion: A remedy is useless
if it doesn't work for longer than a few days,
or a few hours.

Question:What remedy haven't i tried?

Assumption: Love is the remedy for itself.

Love is the only proven remedy that works.

[1 Corinthians 13:4]
Love is patient, love is kind.


The Greek word translated "patience" in 1 Corinthians 13:4
refers specifically to patience with people.
It literally means "to be long tempered,"
and speaks of one who could easily retaliate when wronged,
but chooses not to.

The Greek word translated "kind" literally means
"useful," "serving," or "gracious."
It isn't just the sweet attitude we normally associate with kindness;
it's the idea of being useful to others.
It's the flip side of patience.

Patience endures abuses from others;
kindness repays them with good deeds
.


It is in enduring the abuses that may cause us dis-ease,
but one must remedy it with good deeds --
-- no matter how emotionally hurtful.
In trying to remedy the dis-ease,
the pain may intensify.
But as with any sickness or disease,
it gets worse before it gets better.

Conclusion: One must love until it hurts,
as Jesus taught us to love.
The only remedy for the dis-ease that love may bring is
to continue to love --
-- until the pain is gone.

Question: How can the cause be the remedy?

As with truth in the Lord,
Love will set you free --
-- free from the self-bondage of fear
-- free from the self-bondage of pride
-- free from the self.

Love is the remedy for itself.

9.17.2003

i remember that smell......

people
have the right to fly
and well when
it gets compromised
their hearts say move along
their minds say got to hard
let's move it along

and airports
see it all the time
when someone's last goodbye
blends in with someone's sigh

cuz someone's comin' home
in hand a single rose

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now
and i be the last
no, i won't be the last
to love her

and you can't
build a house of leaves
and live like
it's an evergreen
it's just a season things
it's just this thing the seasons do

and that the way this whille keeps working now
that the way this whille keeps working now
and you won't be the first
no, you won't be the first
to love me

you can find me
if you ever want to give
i'll be around the bend
i'll be around the bend
i'll be around
i'll be around
and if you never stop when you wave goodbye
you just might find if you give it time
you will wave hello again

you might just wave hello again

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
that's the way this wheel keeps working now

you can't love too much, one part of it

i believe
that my life's gonna see
the love i give
returned to me


[john mayer - wheel]

9.16.2003

let's update the birthday list -- just because i can...

few people buy me things for my birthday...
i'm not complaining, mind you, but.....
then again, very few people remember my birthday,
let alone feel me important enough or special enough to buy me anything...

i know that makes me sound so materialistic, but i'm not, really...
my closest friends know that i don't strive for much
in the way of material possessions...

i don't have the newest console system
(actually, i don't have the time anymore, anyways)

i don't have the newest computer
(the fastest thing in the house is a P150, and that's my brother's --
-- the other computers or laptops that lie around the house
are owned by my brother's customers)

i don't have a souped-up car
('92 Saturn SL2 -- in a state of disrepair, since
i stopped driving it over 8 months ago)

but....
....i guess it's part of my upbringing --
-- i didn't have much growing up...
no, we weren't poor or anything,
but we made due with what we had,
and i'm sure my parents splurged on things as we needed them...
e.g., "new furniture here, new appliance there
renovate the house because we're moving..."

thank God that i grew up not having so many material things
i'm sure i'd grow up with the mentality that
"the more i have, the more i'd want"
sure, i'm not completely impervious to impulse buying or
buying for the sake of having or
buying things for entertainment purposes,
but thank God i buy something only if i really want it --
-- and i have the money to spare for it.



i think this is the first time i've made a list of all the things
that i would like --
-- not necessarily need, mind you...

i guess this is my way of putting forward my wants --
-- i'll let God decide what it is that i need,
to be given at the time of His choosing...

[and if it "just-so-happens" that His timing is around
the anniversary of my birth, then............]



the list is now at the top of the blog for easy reference..
check it every so often for updates!

9.10.2003

Do not waste this evening
Baby I'm begging you
Your big imaginations
Playing its tricks on you
If you think now up and leave is something I'm going to do
Feel my chest when I look at you
Baby, you've got my only heart
Yeah, you've got my only heart
Yeah, you've got my only, only heart

So hard to be so far out living our separate lives
Your phone was really broken
I tried your number twice
And if you need confirmation, baby I understand
Its alright if you want me to you tell you
You've got my only heart
Yeah, you've got my only heart
Yeah, you've got my only, only heart

And you love like your hands on the horn, baby
I adore you, but there's a hole in the cup that you hold my love
Hold my love
If you let, if you let, if you let me leave
I swear I never will
Oh remember now, you
You've got my only heart
Yeah, you've got my only heart
Yeah, you've got my only heart
Yeah, you've got my only heart...

[john mayer - only heart]

I haven't actually listened to Heavier Things yet, but just reading the lyrics, i think this'll end up being another theme song for me... other songs of note ----they all seem like poetic masterpieces -- honestly, all of the lyrics look good [and seem quite 'heavy'] ---- include Split Screen Sadness and Clarity [these, of course, being added to the list of Daughters, Something's Missing, and Come Back to Bed -- three titles that have already been released]... frig, i can't wait 'til i pick it up! i'd KaZaa them all in about a week, i'm sure -- but how would i play them outside the house...? forget that my CD burner's busted -- my CD player is busted...! who wants to buy me a new CD player for September 29th..? you guys can split it... please? PLEASE?

and while we're on the topic of my birthday, why not put up a wish list for easy access...?

Music:
John Mayer - Heavier Things
A CD player to play it in

Books [almost finished The Lord of the Rings (finally!) need new material into the winter]:
Frank Herbert - Dune [yes, all six books!]
Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson - The Butlerian Jihad [wait, my sister's taken that already]
Douglas Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: a Trilogy in Five Parts [make sure it's in five parts!]
Bruce Wilkinson - The Prayer of Jabez for Teens
JRR Tolkien - The Silmarilion / Unfinished Tales

Other stuff:
a new school-bag [the ever-enlarging hole in my bag will not last the winter]

must run to class....