My first real "Immunity Challenge."

a couple days ago, i wrote about
the dis-ease of love.

gosh -- it hurts to love,
when it feels like
they don't care...

so much dis-ease i'm feeling right now...

for a while, i was thinking
"i'm too scared to talk to you, to say anything."
"talk to me when you stop thinking of yourself."
"talk to me when you stop being angry."
"talk to me when you need me to stop being angry -- if you need me."
"talk to me when you want to know about my day."
"YOU'RE WELCOME, for helping out at the store."

so much dis-ease i felt, on the bus ride home
a couple of hours ago...

then it came to me.

"did i even try to ask her what was wrong?"
"i knew what was wrong, but....
what if she wanted to talk about it?"

at the time, i remembered
all the other times i tried to ask
and failing to get a reply --
-- feeling the dis-ease burden my heart --
-- making it even heavier.

"no, forget it, i'm not asking."
"i'm not getting myself hurt *this time."
"i'm not letting her hurt me *this time."

of course it didn't work.
i still felt it --
-- still felt dis-eased.

but on the bus ride home, i thought about it.

"is she just absorbing in herself
because she thinks i don't understand?"
"is she staying quiet, waiting for me to ask her?"
"did i even try to show her that i wanted to help her --
-- that no matter how moody she's being --
i still love her?"
"is she misinterpreting my messages of fear into
messages of dislike, messages of..... anger?"

"gotta keep loving."
"continuing to love her hurts
when she's like this, when all she feels is anger --
-- so much anger that her eyes start to tear up --
-- so much anger that she wished she were dead."

"But I gotta keep loving her."
"Love is the remedy to itself."
"she won't let me do anything for her."
"so all i can do is pray --
-- pray that God is taking care of her --
-- in His own way."

So I got home.
Called her, as per my self-given responsibility.
Got off the phone 30 seconds later,
after she takes out her anger on me,
for something that i didn't do.

so i'm thinking
"hey, i empathize, don't think i don't."
"why do you think i called?"
"i only wanted to know how you were feeling since earlier."
"i only wanted to apologize for the way i acted earlier."
"would you rather i not call?"
"would you rather i not care?"
"why not go out and say it, then?"
"when will you tell me that
you don't need me -- as you once did?"
"when will you tell me that i'm the reason for your unhappiness --
-- all your unhappiness over the past 2 years?"
"when will you tell me that you'd be better off without me?"
"when will you tell me that i haven't made any difference in your life?"

*sigh*
Love is the remedy for itself.
Love is dis-easing me right now, but....
Gotta keep loving.
It's the only way.

God, help me to love her.....