is it just me?

[WARNING: This is one of the few days when i blog incoherently. Now you *know that my mind hasn't given itself time to edit anything. Direct from my mind to the keyboard -- unedited, uncut.]

I was cruisin' through ZHANG-HA and EH-EH [even though i told myself to sleep an hour ago], and I began to make some connections --

Is it just me, or is almost everybody going through some 'crazy' things in their lives right now? some crazy 'good' stuff -- like falling in love, but mostly crazy 'bad' stuff -- like indecisiveness, shifting priorities, people wanting to have jobs, but not really doing anything about it, people wanting to leave school [temporarily or indefintely], people returning to school after a break, people not bothering to attend school for a myriad of reasons........

It's kinda weird -- this teen-life / quarter-life crisis... Both of these things have a few things in common, one of which being that it's almost inexplicable to you. It's so hard to explain, because it's not even physical -- the pain is in your mind, created by you. Your actions (or inaction) is physical, but your reaction to that begins in the mind.

It all starts with emotions. "How do you feel about that? What does [that event] make you feel? What do you feel about doing that?" God gave our brains emotions so we could experience something that our 5 senses simply can't sense.

Of course, it can go completly the opposite way -- you may not feel any emotions at all. And if you're waiting for some kind of new feeling to suddenly pick you up....... Sometimes, God takes away our emotions so we don't depend on them.


[i wish i knew where i was going with all of that.............]

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Back to my original thoughts: Is it just me, or is almost everybody NOT knowing what to do with themselves?

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Hey, not to say that i haven't been there, though. The teen-life crisis, and the quarter-life crisis... I've been there.
So much *has changed, and is changing in my life ------

Sure -- I haven't been quite myself since the summer ended.
But that's normal: when all of a sudden, you no longer have any idea
of what you wanna do with your life --
If you even bothered to think farther than going to the movies on friday,
Or bothered to think farther than "who will be my next boyfriend/girlfriend?"

Sure -- It was almost on a whim [after a long talk with my co-op boss on new year's eve]
that I had decided to take 2 semesters off of school to see what would happen,
only to change my mind a few days later.
But that's normal: because a break from school might get me back on track
(it does work for some people).

Sure -- I researched, decided and went through with
officially changing my program within a week's time,
effectively adding at least 3 semesters of college,
without really consulting the people that pay for it: my parents.
But that's normal: Eventually, I want to be able to make my own mistakes,
and learn for them. I want to learn how to recover from them too,
But I still recognize that I can't do all of that on my own just yet.

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Even though i've gone through that stuff, no matter what i feel... The first place i go to is to God.

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I know my friends have my back, I know that they will be there for me, but only when God needs them to be.
God granted them their physical bodies to be present, and their life experiences to be shared: as God molds me through them.

I start with God, knowing that he will eventually use people to do his work in me.


[i wish i knew where i was going with that, too.....]

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Back-track a bit: I've gone through crisis, just like everybody else.

Part of my crisis over the past month is that i didn't see Jackie over the Christmas break. Two weeks is a long time for us, not seing eachother. Yet, because we're reading Purpose-Driven Life, I still felt connected to her.
(2.5 weeks -- and I still felt connected? uh-huh....] I learn stuff out of reading, and know instantly that I can talk with her about it. And I LOVE that I can talk with her about all that good stuff now.

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It's because of reading that i have a clearer picture of i need to do with my life. It's not a complete picture, but my confidence is rising. Part of me has always known what I need to do with my life,
(it's funny, because) -- I can quote myself on it (from YFC camp, talk #1):

"God gives us freewill, but the only decision God
needs us to make [so he can work in us] is to choose Him freely."

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It seems like there's so much change in our lives all of a sudden, with the new year and all...
[here's part of what i wanted to get at!]

Change is difficult -- whether we want it, or we're questioning whether we should change.
Here's a paraphrase from a "future" chapter i was skimming
(along with some of my own ideas -- I didn't read the whole chapter):

{

Imagine yourself steering a boat on a lake. You've set the autopilot to continually move east. After a while, you notice that you're going to crash on the beach soon. You see the beach up ahead: in a panicked observation, you notice that the boat is either accelerating on it's own, or the boat is slowing down, and that the land is moving closer to the boat.

What can you do to save your life? Your first reaction is to grab hold of the steering wheel, and force the boat to turn away from the beach. Unfortunately, you're fighting the autopilot, which is doing a good job of travelling eastwards despite your efforts to steer the boat away. You manage to turn a few degrees, but it's not enough. You force your willpower to turn a few more, but your arms get tired from fighting the autopilot on your own.

The boat crashes on the beach; you almost don't make out it alive. As you look at the debris, you can't help but think there was nothing else you could have done.... or was there?

The answer is simple.
Change your autopilot.

}

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I don't understand all the details, but
I'm sure i'll blog about that when I get to whatever that chapter was.