I am part of something bigger than me.

We all are. How willing are each of us to do our part to ensure the survival of the whole?

Have I succumbed to "my role" in the grande scheme of things? As if it were some part in a play, an act, a show, a dance? Scheme. As if it were a (sub-)plot in some great conspiracy. Will I learn to think for myself? Will I learn to refuse the given role? Refuse what is "right" and replace it with what knowledge is "mine?" That will never happen if I stop asking questions, if I stop seeking answers.

Philosophy: Love and pursuit of wisdom by intellectual means and moral self-discipline. The critical analysis of fundamental assumptions or beliefs. A system of values by which one lives.
---dictionary.com, selected definitions

"When applied to any particular department of knowledge, philosophy denotes the general laws or principles under which all the subordinate phenomena or facts relating to that subject are comprehended. Thus philosophy, when applied to God and the divine government, is called theology; when applied to material objects, it is called physics; when it treats of man, it is called anthropology and psychology, with which are connected logic and ethics; when it treats of the necessary conceptions and relations by which philosophy is possible, it is called metaphysics."
-- dicitionary.com, note

...While philosophy seeks answers, it's not the answers that are important; the philosopher sees the importance of the question. It doesn't matter whether or not answers are found: only that the question is posed so that the search -- the journey -- can be made. All roads lead to same question sets -- Why was I created? What do I live for? What is my purpose here? Is this all there is to existing? -- as all sand in an hourglass falls through a narrow part in the centre. Having posed the question -- having passed through that narrow part -- one is open to the possibilities on the other side of that centre: Is the other side of the hourglass infinitely small or infinitely large?.

When does a single grain of sand pass through the narrow center alone? It does not. It cannot. The flow of time does not stop by natural means; when the hourglass has turned over, the flow of sand does not stop by natural means.

I don't have all the answers. My prescience is limited. What good can one make out of having boundless foresight? They would only be doomed to living life in the future.

"One hungered for absolutes which could never be.
Hungering, one lost the present." ---dune messiah, narrative

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The basic rule in all races, religions, walks of life: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". The so-called Golden Rule... (of life?) With no conscious intention, I have tried to push others to their limits. As such, I am being pushed to mine. As such, I am afraid of what may come from expanding those comfortable borders. Yet my dependancy on that 'something' becomes heavier; my trust is amplified because of fear. Lord: Oh, that your hand would be with me... I must not fear. God never wastes a hurt, an experience: he can and will use them for good. I mustn't know it. I can't know it. I must believe it.

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To blank my mind?
I'd be no more than a ghola corpse.
No memories. Only references to the former-self.
To not recognize the value in that?
I would be ignorant of infinite possibilities.
Some of those... could be better than now.

To not recognize that I was created with some kind of purpose?
I would be selfish to try work i'm unqualified for.
To hold on to the self too strongly?
I would be foolish to destroy myself that way.
To not recognize the creator by going against that purpose?
I would be useless to God, to others, even to myself.

When the old self is gone, when I have nothing to hold on to,
all I can do is trust in something bigger than me.

"If you place everything on yourself, and you lose everything... what do you have to live for? ...The only thing you gotta believe in is something bigger than you. Someone bigger than you." --Sheryl Baldovino [paraphrase]

I will not get anywhere by travelling in circles, or by spiraling inward, yet
I must make the full-circle at least once around,
to (re)assert my existence,
to justify my actions.
I must do the necessary to preserve that 'something.'
I must defend. I must.

Even if it means to pray for destruction.

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Lord, destroy me.
Destroy the 'self' that the world has created in me.
Cruelty, malice, self-service.
Destroy the need for praise; only you are deserving of it.
Destroy the need to be of use; you have uses for me beyond my understanding;
uses only for good.

Leave only the spiritual gifts you have given me,
the servant's heart i was born with,
the abilities you created me to have and use,
the part of your personality that wants to serve others,
the experiences that have helped to mold the character you want me to be.

Destroy me, and mold the shape and character of Christ within me.

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A ghola? Flesh reborn from dead flesh. Fitting.

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I don't have all the answers, but I must share what I know.
It's part of what we all live for. [jan 8 blog, jan 3 blog].