Fear and Insecurity.

[unedited] I'm afraid. Even though I feel far away from Him...I know in my head what I should do. What needs to be done. God must want me to feel this way. Maybe so I will learn to trust him, even moreso than I used to. And I can't go wrong with trusting him.

...but I'm afraid. What am I afraid of? Afraid of losing what I have. Or anything of what I have left. What good can come from this fear? What does God want me to learn? How does he want me to react to this fear, or this feeling of being far, or...the feeling of not really doing much with my life?

Why have i been alowed to centre upon this fear? To recognize it: to embrace the fact that i am afraid... Perhaps I'm making excuses for myself... maybe in hopes that someone will feel sorry for me and take away the mental/emotional crap *for me -- feelings that i'm *letting happen to myself.

This spiritual darkness has blinded me.

That must be it. An excuse.
I tell myself i'm afraid so i won't get off my lazy ass and *do something about it.
I tell myself i'm afraid as a justification for not doing anything.
I'm afraid of losing what's left of me. What's the world's shaped of me.

God, what do you want for me? Just trust.
Why am I afraid to trust you? You're afraid of losing yourself. Afraid of losing a lot of what you've worked for.
Afraid of what may come when I'm not in control? Afraid of what I might do.
You could bring more pain into my life. Or I could do the opposite. Sometimes you force me to allow pain in your life. So you will learn to trust me even more.
I don't wanna feel afraid, or anger, or jealousy, or hurt...why do you let it happen to me? I can only do so much to your life and *in your life without your consent. I gave you freewill; all you have to do is use it to trust no one else and *nothing else* but me.
I've broken others' trust. My trust has been broken by others. I can't even trust myself sometimes. How do I learn to trust that which I can't see, let alone even feel right now? Faith.
...Faith? I *know you're there -- I felt you before... Faith that I will learn to trust again? And hope that I have something planned for you. Something greater than what I'm letting you go through. Though the sorrows may last for the night, My joy comes with the morning.

..............I have to learn to use this pain to help others.
To learn to stop focusing on being and feeling hurt, and to start focusing on getting back up.
It doesn't matter if I'm afraid, or if nobody really cares.
I have to learn to stop focusing on myself my hurts.
"To do what's right for your brothers and sisters, not for yourself."

What happened to me? How did I forget?
I want to learn again -- to love the way Christ does: unconditionally, self-less.
"It's not think less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself *less." How did I forget?

...God, we're in this for the long run. Please remind me every moment.