i just want to be trusted again.

things were great back then.. when i had responsibilities. when i had work to do. when i had a job, when someone had given me the chance to work. when i had people to lead. and teach. and care for. now i have almost nothing. who'd ever think that having no responsibilities would be stressful? i have longed for them all my life. work, service, girlfriend... bills, children. sometimes i feel that i'll die without making a difference. 'make my life mean something; something worth remembering; something worth living and dying for.' old december memories haunt me. memories of a heart denied, filled with anger. i have been forgiven a long time ago, as i have forgiven. why do they haunt me this year? i want to be trusted again. what more must i sacrifice? has my SHAPE (spiritual gifts / heart / abilities / personality / experience) been proven unreliable to you? unnecessary? i want to be yours. how can i show this? where is the extraordinary life you've promised? i feel as if i'll melt in your refining. i feel as if i'm a pot of boiling vegetables; beginning hardy, but turning soft. and after that, i'm afraid that i'll change into an egg in the boiling pot; fragile all around, turning solid on the inside as i boil. i want to be with you in paradise. how did jesus survive his cross? so that he could be with you in paradise.......my cross is nothing compared to that. then why does it feel so heavy? i may never feel it physically, but i understand your pain more than ever, now; unsurpassed love for the people... for your people, who murdered you. *the pain of loving until it hurts*, loving though feeling (and being) outrightly rejected... and *still loving, because **it's the only thing you know how to do**; because...those were your orders. that was your calling, your purpose... as it is also your charge to me. to love until death... the death of my*self, and the beginning of the life of you in me. i don't want to be weak, i want to be strong in you. for you. for others. i only want to be weak if you will bring strength to others. i want to be a strong and worthy carrier of your love. i don't want to die on the battlefield, defenseless... and useless to others. not before i can share your love with the world. 'i would go to the ends of the earth.' i want to fight. teach me to fight harder. until my*self dies, so that you can live. 'teach me to trust in you with all of my heart; to lean not on my own understanding.' 'i love you more than life.' please show me how to claim the extraordinary life you've promised for me.