taking care of kids and watching others take care of kids will forever remind me of you...

"'cause i miss you // and it sucks that i'm not mad."
-in your atmosphere, john mayer.

think i'm gonna stay home // have myself a homelife
sitting in the slow-mo // listenin' to the daylight
i am not a nomad // i am not a rocketman
i was born a housecat // by the slight of my mother's hand
i think i'm gonna stay home

i want to live in the centre of a circle
i want to live on the side of a square
i used to be in my M to Z now
you'll never find me 'cause my name isn't there

homelife // been holding out for the homelife
my whole life

i wanna see the ending // i wanna guess the last name
finish on a friday // and sit in traffic on highway
see, i refuse to believe // that my life's gonna be
just some broken kind of celebrity // never to lead me
to anything remotely close to the

homelife // been holding out for the homelife
my whole life

i can tell you this much // i will marry just once
and if it doesn't work out // i'll give her half of my stuff
it's fine with me // we said eternity
and i will go to my grave // with the love that i gave
not just some melody line // on the radio wave
it dissapates // it soon evaporates
but damn, it still feels great

i want to live in the centre of a circle
i want to live on the side of a square
i'd love to walk to where we both can talk, but
i got to leave you 'cause my ride is here

in my homelife
in my (you take the) homelife
in my (you take the) homelife
you take the homelife

and you take my hand // take my hand
look me in the eyes now, darling // and try to understand
i'm a good man // and i'm standing still on two legs
i'm a good man // and i think that's why i stick around, you know
but we both know // and we got soul

i'll call you up from someplace // all self-righteous and arrogant // and then i'll ask you how you're doing // and be so caught up in my own stuff, and // i will sense the weakness in you // 'cause you been staying in the same house // in the same room // looking around at all my stuff // that's speaking for me and saying // "we don't know where he is..."

and you'll hang up the phone, and you'll // lay in the bed, and // i'll hang up the phone, and // i'll go out instead // and i'll be thinking of you // but you won't know // 'cause your brain won't let you have it

and all your friends at work // they'll tell you // that i'm straying, i'm straying // you're just a stupid lunatic for staying // but i know

i'm in the middle of nowhere // 50 miles to nothing behind me // 50 miles to somthing in front of me // laying in my bunk // homesick and carsick and musicsick! // and dreamin' 'bout the home life // dreamin' 'bout my whole life // dreamin' 'bout makin' you my wife! // dreaming 'bout the homelife

you take the homelife
oh, i'll come back for the homelife
just me and you and the homelife
i promise someday soon, i'll try


- homelife, john mayer (as/is, 7.16.04, shoreline amphitheater, mountain view, CA)

so i just got back from another evening stroll in my neighbourhood.

...this whole past year has moved by so quickly. starting from may 2004 with the old E2's chapterheadship, last year's conference, finishing my chapterheadship, my first part-time job since starting college, being let go from that job 2 months later, a relationship "break," my first full-time office job (merry christmas to me), an official breakup, starting and finishing my CLPs for SFC, east sector band and YFC precon, SFC households, being laid off, lost friendships (for what seems like the millionth time), SFC national band, the opportunity to travel for the summer outside of both the SFC and YFC conferences... and all the service in between, of course.

and i KNEW that once i made the decision to travel (and was at peace with it!), my old workplace calls me up and requests to have me back next week.

a blessing, of course. ...of course? i was so at peace with the decision to go. AND excited! i was so ready to claim that extraordinary life that God's promised...

...but i suppose God wouldn't let me have it that easy. if i really did WANT to go, i would give up this opportunity to work.

i guess the real question that God's posed to me now is... "what are you willing to sacrifice?"

...if i stay, i'll always be wondering, "what if i DID go on that trip?" God knows how i love travel... how i love to discover things. when will i ever get that kind of opportunity again? and if i go, i already know that God will provide for me. but this recall to work must also be God providing for my future...

oh God, where are you? where do you want me? are you there, in those destination airports? or are you preparing me to settle down here, way in advance?

...Lord, you know i'd want to do both. to travel, AND settle. but there will be other chances to travel AND serve, i hope. C4, NW7, and about 8.5 more years to go, right?

---

it's kinda funny, how i was strolling (travelling!) around my neighbourhood earlier, through streets i've never been through before (it's a big area). ...and i found this nice park that reminded me of my old place in Scarborough. Even though it looked nothing like it.

...make my life mean something // something worth remembering // something worth living and dying for.

sorry for not blogging recently... no, i haven't been too busy; i just felt the need to shut everybody out of my life so i can kinda brood on my own.

it's been lonely without anyone really to talk to for the past few weeks... one of my best friends has been out of the country for about three weeks, the other two have decided to shut me out of their lives. some friends, eh? but i suppose i should've seen it coming... from both of them.

one left on account me not having an identity of my own. she (rightly) accused me of it: of being totally dependant on those around me to define who i am. this isn't the first time she's left, but i do believe it will be the last, because i never really gained 'friend' status in her mind. i was only a debt to be repaid.

the truth does hurt. continually forgiving her was the only way i knew to... repent. letting her into my life was the only way i knew to repay her back. for all the rage i felt, towards everything. but i know it in my bones that she won't be coming back. not this time.

the other shut me out on account of... wanting to do the right and noble thing for a friend. there are other ways by which i could define this end (she (finally) hates me; now i can hate her // she's taking the easy way out because she's weak), but... memories are perfect; "wanting to do the right and noble thing" is how i'd like to remember her by. our basic friendship always impressed the Golden Rule on me: "treat others the way you want to be treated." i'm a tad jealous because she pulled it off far better than i ever could.

a whole lifetime ago, i did the necessary because she wasn't happy. in adjusting to this new life, she did the same for me, too -- to ensure my own happiness.

to lay down one's life -- one's plans, one's comforts, one's intentions, one's emotions -- for a friend's well-being... it's the right and noble thing to do. it's what i did for her, and it's what she did for me. that love was the essence of our friendship.

that's how i want to remember her by. even if it's not wholly true. the memory of love makes my life worth living.

...you did what was necessary for her sake, brian. because you loved her, too. you have to believe that that's the real truth.

come now, brian. carpe diem.