sorry for not blogging recently... no, i haven't been too busy; i just felt the need to shut everybody out of my life so i can kinda brood on my own.

it's been lonely without anyone really to talk to for the past few weeks... one of my best friends has been out of the country for about three weeks, the other two have decided to shut me out of their lives. some friends, eh? but i suppose i should've seen it coming... from both of them.

one left on account me not having an identity of my own. she (rightly) accused me of it: of being totally dependant on those around me to define who i am. this isn't the first time she's left, but i do believe it will be the last, because i never really gained 'friend' status in her mind. i was only a debt to be repaid.

the truth does hurt. continually forgiving her was the only way i knew to... repent. letting her into my life was the only way i knew to repay her back. for all the rage i felt, towards everything. but i know it in my bones that she won't be coming back. not this time.

the other shut me out on account of... wanting to do the right and noble thing for a friend. there are other ways by which i could define this end (she (finally) hates me; now i can hate her // she's taking the easy way out because she's weak), but... memories are perfect; "wanting to do the right and noble thing" is how i'd like to remember her by. our basic friendship always impressed the Golden Rule on me: "treat others the way you want to be treated." i'm a tad jealous because she pulled it off far better than i ever could.

a whole lifetime ago, i did the necessary because she wasn't happy. in adjusting to this new life, she did the same for me, too -- to ensure my own happiness.

to lay down one's life -- one's plans, one's comforts, one's intentions, one's emotions -- for a friend's well-being... it's the right and noble thing to do. it's what i did for her, and it's what she did for me. that love was the essence of our friendship.

that's how i want to remember her by. even if it's not wholly true. the memory of love makes my life worth living.

...you did what was necessary for her sake, brian. because you loved her, too. you have to believe that that's the real truth.

come now, brian. carpe diem.