eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

would i really do that, if it were possible? erase her from my memory? i already tried that, and found that i still cared. and it's funny how pre-valentine's day was their busy period, b/c that's when things really started to change with me this year.

but if it were possible, to erase her completely... she would hate me forever. i know i would. it was a mistake to tell her how i had tried. both the good and bad memories were so painful to recall! and so lovely...

i tried to think back on some of those memories, and found that i couldn't find the emotions attached to some of them. for others, i found that i didn't want to find them, or to feel them. ...did my heart turn to stone? did i really let all of this change me more than i hoped? why would god want me to grow this way?

this is the cross that i'll bear for the rest of my life... to learn to deal with lost friendships. it's obvious to me, now. it isn't the first time someone erased me from themselves.

to learn to deal with lost friendships. sometimes i think that god is playing a dangerous game with me. in that i have been brought to the brink -- time and time again -- of turning completely to stone. of not caring about anything. or for anyone, other than myself. brought to the brink of cutting ties with what friends i have left, before i hurt them with love.

a dangerous game. how does god know that i will simply... try again? to be a good person for both myself, and those around me? just to try to be... a good man, the one that he made me to be?

maybe my experiences will help someone someday... i'll never know. but if all the pain means riches in heaven... god, it's so hard to think so far ahead like that.

i thought i was a generally a nice person. but i never knew how much i could hurt someone. the people i have loved. especially when there is no intention.

look up the term "hedgehog's dilemma" : the closer two hedgehogs become, the deeper their spines pierce eachother. knowing how i've hurt the one person that drew near to me, and i to her... it makes me afraid to love again, to be near anyone. i'm not worried about myself feeling hurt (it wouldn't be anything new), but i'm growing to hesitate to love out of fear of hurting another.

.......why would god allow this kind of fear in me? love is beautiful. i've have been witness to it firsthand. i miss getting lost in love's eyes. i miss love's sweet lullaby.

all that i can do now is witness love around me from a distance. nobody gets hurt that way.

...one day, father god, rebuild me to be an outpouring fountain of love again. of your love. dare me to love again. whoever and wherever she is... draw her near to you. allow her to know that a love like mine is out there for her. dear god, draw me ever nearer to you, so that she and i can draw strength and... warmth from you. soften my heart -- and my spines again so that i can be be less afraid of love... less afraid to love, and more afraid of you, and obedient to you.

...she will always be in loving and perfect memory.


Brian&2005: a year in the making, indeed.
the year of choice.
the year of both "suck it up" and "let go."
the year of humble pie.