Switchfoot - Sooner or Later (Soren's Song)

come back and haunt me // follow me home
give me a motive // swallow me whole
they say i've lost it // what could i know
when i'm but a mockery // i'm so alone

sooner or later you'll find out there's a hole in the wall

today is ours // condemned to be free
free to keep breathing // free to believe
look to find You // down on my knees
oh God, i believe! // please help me believe!

sooner or later they'll find out there's a hole in the wall
sooner or later you'll find out that you'll dream to be that small
i'm a believer, help me believe

i gave it all away and I lost who I am
i threw it all away // with everything to gain
and i'm taking the leap // with dreams of shrinking

---

"...threw it all away with everything to gain. and i'm taking a leap..." a necessary leap, to gain what you've got for me... thanks God -- for stickin' it through with me (again!) while you guided me to toss another false hope before it builds up and crashes down.

realism, indeed, brian. you're getting closer and closer...

---

"like a child i'll take you at your word
as these mountains of doubt -- they fade away..."
-can i stay here forever, starfield

rumour has it... // she asked. // a man who will not hide, nor deceive pt. 2

when chased, one runs.
when one runs, the other cannot help but pursue.
it is the way of human emotion.
-- [author unknown]

what are the real reasons? rumour had it that she could've only been a rebound... a 3.5-year rebound. i thought about the circumstances... she did tell me (on more than one occasion) that no one really expected us to be together, to stay together, or to stay together for as long as we did. we were an "unlikely" couple, as everybody would say... i never thought so. (maybe was just naïve?) i wonder if she believed it, too. why did i not believe it?

so why am i hiding... really? the whole 50 weeks thing is hiding. simple...

she asked. she wanted me not to wait around anymore. sure, she's a different person now, but... well, it'll be up to God to arrange a meeting. And that would be reason enough to be happy. I always liked meeting new people.

but... she's still a woman. and like every woman, she still deserves a man who will not hide, nor deceive...

Switchfoot - I Turn Everything Over

monday found me on my knees again... breathing you in
to draw the lines that mark where i begin -- and where you end.
no use in trying to pretend. come, take me again --
'cause rumour has it i’m not who i’ve been.
come define me!

what can we do if the rumors are true?
i turn everything over; i turn myself in.
there's nothing left of me to defend...

the evidence convicts the hollow man. after looking inside --
to my dismay -- i find i’m just one of them...
'cause i’m an already (but not-yet!) resurrected, fallen man
come, break this limbo!
i know you know just who i’ve been...
come define me!

what can we do if the rumors are true?
i turn everything over, i turn myself in...
there's nothing left for me to defend!

rumour has it you love me!
rumour has it the world spins upside-down.
rumour has it my only hope is you!
...and the rumours are true.

---

...thanks, God. you know just who i’ve been... you're still my only hope.
-- of course the "rumours are true." you knew that already, brian...

there is no such thing as a casual prayer. even the smallest requests made "in passing" may be granted... like they were yesterday. of all possible meetings, dear father.... i felt myself physically shaking. i made it through right to the end of the week. even after thursday, and THEN...

...and of course i told my story. i had to... god, you arranged that meeting. I asked for a listening ear, and... you delivered more than i expected. you were always one to one-up me on anything i've ever asked.

...thanks.

dear god, if this is another test of where to place my hope again... let me lose my hope! ...so that my real hope may be found again where it belongs.

with you.

New Order - True Faith

i feel so extraordinary // something’s got a hold on me
i get this feeling i’m in motion // a sudden sense of liberty
i don’t care ’cause i’m not there
and i don’t care if i’m here tomorrow
again and again i’ve taken too much
of the things that cost you too much

i used to think that the day would never come
i’d see delight in the shade of the morning sun
my morning sun is the drug that brings me near
to the childhood i lost, replaced by fear
i used to think that the day would never come
that my life would depend on the morning sun...

when I was a very small boy // very small boys talked to me
now that we’ve grown up together // they’re afraid of what they see
that’s the price that we all pay
our valued destiny comes to nothing
i can’t tell you where we’re going
i guess there was just no way of knowing

i used to think that the day would never come
i’d see delight in the shade of the morning sun
my morning sun is the drug that brings me near
to the childhood i lost, replaced by fear
i used to think that the day would never come
that my life would depend on the morning sun...

i feel so extraordinary // something’s got a hold on me
i get this feeling i’m in motion // a sudden sense of liberty
the chances are we’ve gone too far
you took my time and you took my money
now i fear you’ve left me standing
in a world that’s so demanding

I used to think that the day would never come
I’d see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

---

guard my way home.

you should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life...
- john mayer - 3x5

...before it drizzled a little bit, but it looks like the sun's out again right now.. but it was gosh-darned...beautiful. overcast in the western skies, with the sun brightly shining through in the east.

do you see this sunrise, brian? endure like the sun! just... shine for me. like the cloaked and cracked pot with the candle inside... just shine! in any weather... like that sun up there. i know your pain, because jesus endured it... but please endure! you are so near, so close............

a man who will not hide, nor deceive...

love, break me. and move me. spirit, take me up in arms with you.
as love has broken me and shoved me left and right... spirit, take me up in arms with you!

dammit, is this whole 50 weeks just an escape? a hiding place? am i really doing this out of love? or have i grown to fear her attention more than anything? or anyone's attention, for that matter? have i been enduring this pain out of pride? am i doing this for bragging rights? am i making up excuses not to face this fear of her? dammit, what are the real fuckin' reasons?

...................away from me, satan. protect me this morning, dear father... i'm going to need it.

You do this EVERY time, dear God. ...thank you.

last week told me that real forgiveness and resolution is possible. maybe one day, i will be able to forgive myself, because unless God has any more miracles like this up his sleeves... there ain't no doubling-back now. and the very fact that i'm thinking that very point... it proves how prideful i still am. how part of the 'human' in me still believes that this life is the absolute.

well, he's going to have his way with me, regardless of what i want. God, when will i fully and completely stop thinking about what i'm thinking and just live?

...everyone outside of my household disagrees with the 50 weeks / no communication / no surrogates thing. they all say that a rebound is the best medicine. i say that a rebound is only temporary, no matter how good it feels. dear father... just slap me upside the head. let there be no doubt when you reveal her to me. whoever she is...

and now, even i'm doubting the whole 50 weeks thing. but i have to try, i suppose. heck, even this correspondence is probably a... breach of conduct.

dear lord, i pray again.. have your way with me. let not this man-made restriction i've placed on myself hinder your will, your healing hands, your loving embrace.

---

From :
Sent : July 19, 2005 12:01:45 AM
To : bobo929@hotmail.com
Subject : hey


hey, you dont know me and i dont know you very well. Altho i've heard of you. I actually wanted to speak to you on msn, but i'm not sure if you accepted my msn invitaion just cuz you dont know me. I need to tell you something, just dont freak out or anything. So whenever you get the chance, please contact me back or add me on your msn. thanks...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

umm... do i know you? YFC perhaps?


-brian



"why ask why...? that only leads to a headache..."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From :
Sent : July 20, 2005 4:31:16 PM
To : bobo929@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: hey


naw, you dont know me. I dont go to YFC, altho i've heard of it. Anyway, you'll find out soon when i get the chance to talk to you online...peace

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm at work and my MSN is on at home (just in case you're confused if you messaged me anything / requested to add you, etc, and i haven't responded). then... how do you know me? (if you don't mind me asking.......) have we met before?



"why ask why...? that only leads to a headache..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From :
Sent : July 21, 2005 12:17:42 PM
To : bobo929@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: hey


nope, we havent met before. I'll explain it all when i get the chance to speak to you on msn. what time are you usually on msn?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

if we haven't met before, surely you must know someone who knows me... someone from YFC. i'm sure you'd forgive me if you were in my shoes >> random person emailing you from nowhere, asking to talk on msn, for something "important"... what would you do, or what would you think, in my place?

if it's important, just say it here. or find some other way to get in touch with me.

look; whoever you are, i just don't want to have to delete/block you from my list later.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From :
Sent : July 21, 2005 2:35:45 PM
To : bobo929@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: hey


if this is the way that i have to tell you, then so be it. I wanted to talk to you on msn, just cuz i thought it would be better for you. But anyways, you dont know me, you havent heard of me, but i've heard of you. So lemme introduce myself..my name is TJ, i live in sauga, involved in church, but not yfc. I'm a youth leader, a brother, a son, a soldier for Christ........

Please dont take this email the wrong way, i just wanna make things clear with myself, even tho you may not care. I'm not trying to hurt you or sound like a bastard. I am a nice guy, and i havent done this before, and i dont think i would ever do this again. But for some reason, its driving me crazy, so i had to do it. I know this is none of my business, so i apologize for any judgement calls or anything that you've been offended by. So let me start....

i know your ex. We've been talking for a while, i've heard a lot of things about you...good things tho. I'm pretty sure your still hung up for her and i've been in your situation before. To love someone and not have them feel for you the same anymore. I know how much it hurts, how confused you can get, how angry you can be and how sad you feel. Not to get into detail, but a few years ago i had the same feeling as you, my ex broke up with me and i wanted her back. It felt like my heart was ripping apart. ESPECIALLY to find out that she was talking to another guy. And to tell you now.....i'm that other guy that ur ex is talking to. She might get mad at me for saying this to you, so i'll apologize to her later. And i'm really sorry if this is making things worse for you, cuz thats not what i want to happen. I'm just letting you know. I dont want to make things harder for you than how it is already. Not sure if you moved on and if i made things worse. But like i said before.....i'm just letting you know.

i want you to know that she hasnt forgotten about you and she brings you up once in a while. I know ur a good guy and ya you didnt deserve it also....but people move on right? I know me and her are talking, we havent talked about relationships or anything. To be honest, i'm trying to stay away from it. I just dont feel like i wanna get into anything serious right now or if its even leading into that. I have no clue. Its just been bugging me to know that i know how you feel. Its one of the reasons also why i'm stopping myself from saying anything to her. She has no idea that i wanted to speak to you or that i was emailing you. I'll tell her when the timing is right. but as for now, i wanted you to know how i felt, before her. I know it may seem wrong, but thats the way i feel. Even if i dont know you and you dont know me, i know its kinda weird. Anyway, i dont really know where i'm going with this. I just wanna apologize if i ruined ur day or anything.

i know how you feel, and i do care. Just cuz i know it is to be in ur situation. I'm not one of those types of guys that would just tell the girl to hate on you or not to talk to you. I'm not a bastard, but if you think i am cuz of this email, then i apologize. Thats ur judgement then.

i'm gonna end this now. so if you dont wanna email me back, then its cool, i'll understand. I'm not trying to pick a fight.....i just wanted you to know thats all. Didnt mean to hurt you if i have. I'm sorry. If there's anything you need/want from me...just let me know. Anyway, God bless...take care

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

how happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
the world forgetting, by the world forgot.
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd ...
- alexander pope, "eloisa to abelard"

respect to you, man.

you know how it goes >> forgive and forget. forgiving is the easy part; forgetting -- not so easy. forgetting the RIGHT things -- even harder. forgive and forget -- but don't forget the lesson. >> and she can quote me on all of that ..

you've done no wrong to me. and neither has she. all that time her and i spent, dreams shared... that was a whole lifetime ago: a lifetime i still remember fondly, but i know (as i'm sure she would have figured out by now)... that it's a lifetime we could never return to. i've come to believe (to accept!) that she's different now, than from how i remember her... and to be honest, it's in believing that she is different now (almost to the point of being a stranger)... well, i can never know if it's the truth, but that belief gets me through the bad moments.

but i'm sure she has grown insomuch as she's changed. she and i... we grew to become hedgehogs. like some psychotic hedgehogs who were addicted to pain: wanting to be close to eachother, but always hurting eachother with our spines the closer we became. so even if you speak of this correspondence with her, or forward it or whatever... well, i'm sure that her spines have softened, as mine have. she won't be mad.

With regards to a possible relationship, well... i mean no rudeness (believe me!), but... that's your own business. and her own, too. time is always short. pray, discern, decide, and act: God has no hands but our own. And who could love a man of inaction? God blesses the honest man with all his needs... and sometimes, even his wants, too.

my gut instinct tells me to ask you not to speak of this to her... simply because i've made a promise to give myself '1 week for every month' since the last time she and i spoke. for my own emotional sanity. i'm nowhere near reaching my 49-50 weeks yet.

...but my praying heart tells that it's selfish to ask that. my praying heart tells me to ask you -- that if it's in God's will... -- to do all the things that i never had the chance to do...especially in my absence. give her flowers if she's sad. send her postcards or letters and pictures through the mail for no reason. travel the world and take pictures. volunteer to work with the poor in far-off places. learn to cook.

but most importantly... Grow into the man that God wants you to be. Whether that's to be good man for her, or for someone else... if you are always a good man for Him, there's no going wrong with that, in any situ..

...whatever you choose to do, though... act on it. And then find the real answer to the "why." I do still love the woman dearly... but she deserves the man that God is preparing for her... a strong and enduring man who willing to lead her to Him. A courageous man who will not hide, nor deceive her, nor himself. Whoever that man may be.

"though the sorrows may last for the night,
His joy comes with the morning."-ps 30:5

---

finally. i'm through counting. i'll let the household do it if they want, though. i'm sure they'll be on my back about surrogates. thank god for them; otherwise, i'd "fall in love with every woman i see who shows me the least bit of attention."

father god, only your hand could arrange a meeting nowadays. like you did last week. and your hand in our lives at that time (if it ever happens) would be reason enough to be happy. but lord, forgive me if this whole year has dulled my sense of hope a touch, and traded it for heavy dose realism.

........Realism. dear father... now i get it. brian, you idiot...

Only You are real. You are the only hope that's real............

---

i give you my apathy! // i'm giving you all of me!
i want your symphony // singing in all that i am
at the top of my lungs // i'm giving it back!

switchfoot - only hope.

carpe diem! seize the day! haven't i been telling you that from the beginning? >> this whole life is temporary!

speaking of god's uncanny way of arranging schedules...

after i saw her yesterday, i started remembering some of the smallest things that reminded me of her -- in that time she was gone. in the time when i truly believed that she wouldn't return. like how it pissed me off when i would hear people talk about her like they know her, as if her the reasons for her actions were so easy to comprehend... and how i had (still have) the strong urge to defend her, but could say nothing, because i haven't seen her, either; much less do i understand her. how i finally watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and understood why she enjoyed it thoroughly. how the tone in someone else's voice sounded like hers. how while in edmonton (of all places) , i heard bjork's it's oh so quiet. how i had to buy starfield again.

i took the long walk home so i could sing louder. and then i realized that, even though it would make good conversation, i don't have to tell her these things.

i know now that i could live if we never found each other like that again. it would be great, of course, if we did... and she always belived that we would somehow find eachother when we really needed eachother, and never a moment before.

i thought about that on the way home: how did i need her this time? ever since i sent that email to her a month ago, on that very first day of the rest of my life... not being saddened by knowing that she wouldn't respond to it (of course!), life's been bearable for the most part. i didn't expect and then it hit me; i would eventually need this kind of... resolution. the one wherein i'm no longer angered by the thought of her not returning. the one wherein there's no sadness at the thought that we may never find eachother again like that, but it would be okay... because it means that God has finished his way with us.

...lord and father, bless her life abundantly. your timing is never a minute late, nor early, but always on time. this time, i'm genuinely happy about your timing. about the time that you've allowed us to share. dear father...... time is so precious. moments like that with her are so precious. finally... i can appreciate them all, the good and bad ones. and still smile.

maybe this realization will find her well... if it hasn't already, of course. when we compare eachother's separate experiences, she was always one step... or miles and miles ahead of me to reach the same conclusion.

I'll never forget you, miss. I guess I did need to see you at least one last time, else there would have never been any kind of resolution. Maybe you did need to see me, too? What timing it was -- how you only received that email only the day before.

You were my closest friend, and my closest adversary. May God continue to have his way with you... I'll try to let him do the same with me. With you and I... I've learned to love how we aren't destined for a "normal" friendship in this life. How each can apologize, and then fully(!) forgive the other, and then really feel that forgiveness being received... without having to say a word.

I'll be fine if God doesn't allow us to find eachother again, but if we do... perhaps when we do, no matter for how long or how short a time, and no matter the separate circumstances inwhich we find ourselves at that time... ....well, God will have his way. That'll be reason enough to be happy.

If we don't meet again in this life, though... i'm sure we'll meet up in the next one. (Here's hoping that, for the both of us, the next one will be a long time from now.)

carpe diem, brian. vivos en cristo.

i'm gonna stay clear // i burn up in your atmosphere
i'm gonna stay clear // cause i'd die if i saw you,
(and) i'd die if i didn't see you there...
-john mayer, in your atmosphere

[SFC conference '05; edmonton] butch's sharing at the conference really did it for me: "lord, why are you asking this of me? why you know what my intentions are; you know that i love her, you know i don't mean to hurt her..."

"yes butch, but do you love me?"

i never got to tell butch after the conference how i understood how he felt. how the wounds were still '05-fresh like his. how i understood how hard this year has been on him, because the one other constant in his life as a missionary is gone. how i knew the pain of knowing that the end was nobody's fault...no, nobody's doing, nobody's will but god's will. after the end of a 5-year relationship, with 4 of them being a full-timer... he must know for sure that there's no turning back now. no one will be home if he did.

i hope someone recorded his song.

i did the math again, and it's technically 49 weeks, not 50. but i already made a promise. damn this 50 weeks. can't even send an email, can't even write a letter; can't visit any webpages. lord knows how many promises i've made to him that i've broken. but only god will be able to keep me from breaking this one. when i go out alone or with friends, i try to come home as early as i (politely) can, to minimize god's uncanny ability to arrange schedules and meetings.

it'll be 50 weeks for him to work his way with me. so much will change after that time. will i still be recognizable? part of me hopes not. another part hopes it would be mutual, so the floodgate of memories stays shut. i don't even wanna calculate the end this year-in-the-making, because my head will count it as an important date to remember. on par with birthdays and event dates and anniversaries and christmas. remembering days makes me count. and i don't want to be counting days and weeks and months and years anymore. like the way i still am. it just screws up my heart more.

lord, whether you tell me i'm ready in 50 days, weeks, months, or years... slap me upside the head when your will for me is standing right in front of me. whoever she is..........

Comment/reply posted to Rayah's blog, 7/7/2005 at 1:28 PM, in case she deletes posts.

---

"Have you ever been in a situation where..." i think i have, but that depends on your definition of "move on."

What really kills it is that "the person who unravelled you" does nothing but "shows up." A few words, a smile, a laugh. And you wonder what the intentions are: do they mean to hurt you the way they did before? did they even know (or accept!) that they did, regardless of their /intent?

...or do they know the hurt they've caused, and mean to make things "right" again (whatever "right" is), when you already know that things will be unpredictable and without a sense of complete security... how you will never know if things will be better or worse, because -- first and foremost -- things are different, and can never be the same again, regardless of the initial outcome of their "showing up..."

and no matter what the reason is, their actions -- no matter how small or how few -- show that they've moved on: forgiven (themselves, or forgiven you) and forgotten the one moment, that one action, that one conversation that unravelled you to begin with... they show they've moved on, even though you feel that you haven't moved at all -- like a stopped watch, marking the exact moment when it's battery had died.

...but since i don't know what you're talking about, umm...
i'll see you on the bus ride to conference? =p yay conference!

Posted 7/7/2005 at 1:28 PM by bobo929

FW[?} : words to think about..

...god, i love my household. i should've picked this up ealier.

----Original Message Follows----
From: Christian Belisario
To: Brian Padua
Subject: words to think about..
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 2005 22:48:07 -0400 (EDT)


ON LOVING AND LETTING GO...

You must realize that you have to let go now before it consumes you and your sanity. There is always a time to think and stop. A time to be sensible and not to allow our hearts to rule over our heads.
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY NOT IN THE ARMS OF A
MAN/WOMAN WHO KEEPS YOU WAITING BUT IN THE ARMS OF SOMEONE WHO WILL TAKE YOU NOW AND LOVE YOU FOREVER.
If loving a person who is attached to someone else is a crime,
then, maybe, many of us would have been jailed long before we realize what
its consequences could have been. Loving someone
is never a sin...it's what people do out of love
that sometimes makes it all wrong. The selfish
desire to want that person is what makes it a sin.


DON'T THINK ONLY OF YOUR FEELINGS FOR REAL LOVE
DOESN'T HAVE A PLACE FOR SELFISH PEOPLE.
When there is love, there is always sacrifice.
When we love someone, we never easily give up on
that person. Even is we get hurt badly, we always
try to find a way to ease the pain and learn to
understand and forgive. Loving too much doesn't
hurt...it is when we expect this love to be
reciprocated that we begin to seek approval and
acceptance of the things we have done and when we
are taken for granted and rejected, we curse the
very same love that we once freely and happily offered.


DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WAITING FOR SOMEONE WHO
NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD HAVE FELT.
OPEN YOUR HEART AGAIN AND
GIVE YOURSELF THE CHANCE TO FIND THE ONE WHO WOULD
MAKE LOVING WORTH THE PAIN AND THE SACRIFICE.
Just like anything else, our love grows weak and dies, if not taken cared of. It can keep up with pain only to a certain extent. Beyond that, it withers without any hope of recovery and soon dies.

GOD WAKES US IN THE MIDST OF A STORM TO TEACH US A
LESSON. HE TAKES AWAY PEOPLE WE LOVE SO WE CAN
LEARN TO VALUE LOVE ITSELF. HE MAKES US CRY SO
HARD SO WE CAN SEE CLEARLY WHEN WE OPEN OUR EYES.
HE MAKES US BITTER SO WE CAN REALIZE THAT THERE IS
NO GENUINE HAPPINESS IF WE THINK ONLY OF OUR OWN
NEEDS AND NOT OF OTHERS.

Relationships built on jealousy and selfishness
are doomed from the very beginning. The hardest part of losing love is
letting go and moving on. Most of us cry endlessly
over things that could have been but never will be. God allows us to experience pain to make us stronger and better persons. He will see us through the most trying and difficult times in our lives, and
only if we put our trust in Him can we learn to find joy in our tears and happiness in our sorrows. In many failed relationships, separation
comes as the inevitable choice but moving on always proves to be twice as difficult as letting go. Sometimes, our choice to hold on is beyond the
control of circumstances. Letting go is a decision that can never be
dictated on us. It is a resolution we make to ourselves.
Acceptance is the key to a new beginning and time is the healer of all wounds. Even if the storm casts its fearful shadow, there will always be light after our darkness and loneliest moments. There is always hope for those who believe. There is always a chance for those who try.

LOSING SOMEONE WE LOVE MAY NOT BE A LOSS AT ALL
BUT A BLESSING BECAUSE SOMEONE EVEN MORE DESERVING
IS YET TO COME.
There is nothing wrong in expressing our feelings
to someone we love, but WE MUST ALWAYS BE
SENSITIVE TO THE SIGNALS THAT TELL US WHEN TO
RATIONALIZE AND BE SENSIBLE. There comes a time in
our lives when we would fall for someone who
wouldn't be as interested as we are because his
attention is focused on someone else. There are
many times when we love but don't get love in
return. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN THE SIGN AHEAD SAYS
STOP BUT WE STILL STUBBORNLY HEAD ON.
We would say our love is unconditional...but if it
really is, then we should never feel bad. But why do we get frustrated when
love turns sour? Because we still subconsciously
seek acceptance and assurance from the people we
care about.

BEING IN LOVE CAN BE THE MOST WONDERFUL THING WE
COULD EXPERIENCE BUT IF THE FEELING BEGINS TO
CONSUME OUR WHOLE BEING, THEN WE HAVE TO STOP AND
LET OUR MINDS AND NOT OUR HEARTS DICTATE OUR
ACTIONS. ONLY WHEN WE LEARN TO ACCEPT OUR FATE
AND UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF OUR FAILURES CAN WE
TRULY GO ON WITH LIFE. WITHOUT HAVING TO LOOK BACK
AND CRY OVER THE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BUT
WILL NEVER BE

[2:15am MST]
i almost attempted to contact her when i was at the airport this morning. being in the same terminal at the same departing gate, departing to the same city as i did 2 years ago... except this time i was travelling all by myself. flying alone is... well... lonely. especially when you don't have anyone to fly back to.

...god how close i was. i was better once we took off, though. but couldn't stop playing john mayer's wheel for a couple of hours.

conference starts tomorrow. man has it been a long day today.

dear father,
"will you see me through this valley
will you hold my outstretched hands..." -starfield