i'm gonna stay clear // i burn up in your atmosphere
i'm gonna stay clear // cause i'd die if i saw you,
(and) i'd die if i didn't see you there...
-john mayer, in your atmosphere

[SFC conference '05; edmonton] butch's sharing at the conference really did it for me: "lord, why are you asking this of me? why you know what my intentions are; you know that i love her, you know i don't mean to hurt her..."

"yes butch, but do you love me?"

i never got to tell butch after the conference how i understood how he felt. how the wounds were still '05-fresh like his. how i understood how hard this year has been on him, because the one other constant in his life as a missionary is gone. how i knew the pain of knowing that the end was nobody's fault...no, nobody's doing, nobody's will but god's will. after the end of a 5-year relationship, with 4 of them being a full-timer... he must know for sure that there's no turning back now. no one will be home if he did.

i hope someone recorded his song.

i did the math again, and it's technically 49 weeks, not 50. but i already made a promise. damn this 50 weeks. can't even send an email, can't even write a letter; can't visit any webpages. lord knows how many promises i've made to him that i've broken. but only god will be able to keep me from breaking this one. when i go out alone or with friends, i try to come home as early as i (politely) can, to minimize god's uncanny ability to arrange schedules and meetings.

it'll be 50 weeks for him to work his way with me. so much will change after that time. will i still be recognizable? part of me hopes not. another part hopes it would be mutual, so the floodgate of memories stays shut. i don't even wanna calculate the end this year-in-the-making, because my head will count it as an important date to remember. on par with birthdays and event dates and anniversaries and christmas. remembering days makes me count. and i don't want to be counting days and weeks and months and years anymore. like the way i still am. it just screws up my heart more.

lord, whether you tell me i'm ready in 50 days, weeks, months, or years... slap me upside the head when your will for me is standing right in front of me. whoever she is..........