speaking of god's uncanny way of arranging schedules...

after i saw her yesterday, i started remembering some of the smallest things that reminded me of her -- in that time she was gone. in the time when i truly believed that she wouldn't return. like how it pissed me off when i would hear people talk about her like they know her, as if her the reasons for her actions were so easy to comprehend... and how i had (still have) the strong urge to defend her, but could say nothing, because i haven't seen her, either; much less do i understand her. how i finally watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and understood why she enjoyed it thoroughly. how the tone in someone else's voice sounded like hers. how while in edmonton (of all places) , i heard bjork's it's oh so quiet. how i had to buy starfield again.

i took the long walk home so i could sing louder. and then i realized that, even though it would make good conversation, i don't have to tell her these things.

i know now that i could live if we never found each other like that again. it would be great, of course, if we did... and she always belived that we would somehow find eachother when we really needed eachother, and never a moment before.

i thought about that on the way home: how did i need her this time? ever since i sent that email to her a month ago, on that very first day of the rest of my life... not being saddened by knowing that she wouldn't respond to it (of course!), life's been bearable for the most part. i didn't expect and then it hit me; i would eventually need this kind of... resolution. the one wherein i'm no longer angered by the thought of her not returning. the one wherein there's no sadness at the thought that we may never find eachother again like that, but it would be okay... because it means that God has finished his way with us.

...lord and father, bless her life abundantly. your timing is never a minute late, nor early, but always on time. this time, i'm genuinely happy about your timing. about the time that you've allowed us to share. dear father...... time is so precious. moments like that with her are so precious. finally... i can appreciate them all, the good and bad ones. and still smile.

maybe this realization will find her well... if it hasn't already, of course. when we compare eachother's separate experiences, she was always one step... or miles and miles ahead of me to reach the same conclusion.

I'll never forget you, miss. I guess I did need to see you at least one last time, else there would have never been any kind of resolution. Maybe you did need to see me, too? What timing it was -- how you only received that email only the day before.

You were my closest friend, and my closest adversary. May God continue to have his way with you... I'll try to let him do the same with me. With you and I... I've learned to love how we aren't destined for a "normal" friendship in this life. How each can apologize, and then fully(!) forgive the other, and then really feel that forgiveness being received... without having to say a word.

I'll be fine if God doesn't allow us to find eachother again, but if we do... perhaps when we do, no matter for how long or how short a time, and no matter the separate circumstances inwhich we find ourselves at that time... ....well, God will have his way. That'll be reason enough to be happy.

If we don't meet again in this life, though... i'm sure we'll meet up in the next one. (Here's hoping that, for the both of us, the next one will be a long time from now.)

carpe diem, brian. vivos en cristo.