You do this EVERY time, dear God. ...thank you.
last week told me that real forgiveness and resolution is possible. maybe one day, i will be able to forgive myself, because unless God has any more miracles like this up his sleeves... there ain't no doubling-back now. and the very fact that i'm thinking that very point... it proves how prideful i still am. how part of the 'human' in me still believes that this life is the absolute.
well, he's going to have his way with me, regardless of what i want. God, when will i fully and completely stop thinking about what i'm thinking and just live?
...everyone outside of my household disagrees with the 50 weeks / no communication / no surrogates thing. they all say that a rebound is the best medicine. i say that a rebound is only temporary, no matter how good it feels. dear father... just slap me upside the head. let there be no doubt when you reveal her to me. whoever she is...
and now, even i'm doubting the whole 50 weeks thing. but i have to try, i suppose. heck, even this correspondence is probably a... breach of conduct.
dear lord, i pray again.. have your way with me. let not this man-made restriction i've placed on myself hinder your will, your healing hands, your loving embrace.
From :
Sent : July 19, 2005 12:01:45 AM
To : bobo929@hotmail.com
Subject : hey
hey, you dont know me and i dont know you very well. Altho i've heard of you. I actually wanted to speak to you on msn, but i'm not sure if you accepted my msn invitaion just cuz you dont know me. I need to tell you something, just dont freak out or anything. So whenever you get the chance, please contact me back or add me on your msn. thanks...
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umm... do i know you? YFC perhaps?
-brian
"why ask why...? that only leads to a headache..."
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From :
Sent : July 20, 2005 4:31:16 PM
To : bobo929@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: hey
naw, you dont know me. I dont go to YFC, altho i've heard of it. Anyway, you'll find out soon when i get the chance to talk to you online...peace
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i'm at work and my MSN is on at home (just in case you're confused if you messaged me anything / requested to add you, etc, and i haven't responded). then... how do you know me? (if you don't mind me asking.......) have we met before?
"why ask why...? that only leads to a headache..."
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From :
Sent : July 21, 2005 12:17:42 PM
To : bobo929@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: hey
nope, we havent met before. I'll explain it all when i get the chance to speak to you on msn. what time are you usually on msn?
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if we haven't met before, surely you must know someone who knows me... someone from YFC. i'm sure you'd forgive me if you were in my shoes >> random person emailing you from nowhere, asking to talk on msn, for something "important"... what would you do, or what would you think, in my place?
if it's important, just say it here. or find some other way to get in touch with me.
look; whoever you are, i just don't want to have to delete/block you from my list later.
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From :
Sent : July 21, 2005 2:35:45 PM
To : bobo929@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: hey
if this is the way that i have to tell you, then so be it. I wanted to talk to you on msn, just cuz i thought it would be better for you. But anyways, you dont know me, you havent heard of me, but i've heard of you. So lemme introduce myself..my name is TJ, i live in sauga, involved in church, but not yfc. I'm a youth leader, a brother, a son, a soldier for Christ........
Please dont take this email the wrong way, i just wanna make things clear with myself, even tho you may not care. I'm not trying to hurt you or sound like a bastard. I am a nice guy, and i havent done this before, and i dont think i would ever do this again. But for some reason, its driving me crazy, so i had to do it. I know this is none of my business, so i apologize for any judgement calls or anything that you've been offended by. So let me start....
i know your ex. We've been talking for a while, i've heard a lot of things about you...good things tho. I'm pretty sure your still hung up for her and i've been in your situation before. To love someone and not have them feel for you the same anymore. I know how much it hurts, how confused you can get, how angry you can be and how sad you feel. Not to get into detail, but a few years ago i had the same feeling as you, my ex broke up with me and i wanted her back. It felt like my heart was ripping apart. ESPECIALLY to find out that she was talking to another guy. And to tell you now.....i'm that other guy that ur ex is talking to. She might get mad at me for saying this to you, so i'll apologize to her later. And i'm really sorry if this is making things worse for you, cuz thats not what i want to happen. I'm just letting you know. I dont want to make things harder for you than how it is already. Not sure if you moved on and if i made things worse. But like i said before.....i'm just letting you know.
i want you to know that she hasnt forgotten about you and she brings you up once in a while. I know ur a good guy and ya you didnt deserve it also....but people move on right? I know me and her are talking, we havent talked about relationships or anything. To be honest, i'm trying to stay away from it. I just dont feel like i wanna get into anything serious right now or if its even leading into that. I have no clue. Its just been bugging me to know that i know how you feel. Its one of the reasons also why i'm stopping myself from saying anything to her. She has no idea that i wanted to speak to you or that i was emailing you. I'll tell her when the timing is right. but as for now, i wanted you to know how i felt, before her. I know it may seem wrong, but thats the way i feel. Even if i dont know you and you dont know me, i know its kinda weird. Anyway, i dont really know where i'm going with this. I just wanna apologize if i ruined ur day or anything.
i know how you feel, and i do care. Just cuz i know it is to be in ur situation. I'm not one of those types of guys that would just tell the girl to hate on you or not to talk to you. I'm not a bastard, but if you think i am cuz of this email, then i apologize. Thats ur judgement then.
i'm gonna end this now. so if you dont wanna email me back, then its cool, i'll understand. I'm not trying to pick a fight.....i just wanted you to know thats all. Didnt mean to hurt you if i have. I'm sorry. If there's anything you need/want from me...just let me know. Anyway, God bless...take care
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how happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
the world forgetting, by the world forgot.
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd ...
- alexander pope, "eloisa to abelard"
respect to you, man.
you know how it goes >> forgive and forget. forgiving is the easy part; forgetting -- not so easy. forgetting the RIGHT things -- even harder. forgive and forget -- but don't forget the lesson. >> and she can quote me on all of that ..
you've done no wrong to me. and neither has she. all that time her and i spent, dreams shared... that was a whole lifetime ago: a lifetime i still remember fondly, but i know (as i'm sure she would have figured out by now)... that it's a lifetime we could never return to. i've come to believe (to accept!) that she's different now, than from how i remember her... and to be honest, it's in believing that she is different now (almost to the point of being a stranger)... well, i can never know if it's the truth, but that belief gets me through the bad moments.
but i'm sure she has grown insomuch as she's changed. she and i... we grew to become hedgehogs. like some psychotic hedgehogs who were addicted to pain: wanting to be close to eachother, but always hurting eachother with our spines the closer we became. so even if you speak of this correspondence with her, or forward it or whatever... well, i'm sure that her spines have softened, as mine have. she won't be mad.
With regards to a possible relationship, well... i mean no rudeness (believe me!), but... that's your own business. and her own, too. time is always short. pray, discern, decide, and act: God has no hands but our own. And who could love a man of inaction? God blesses the honest man with all his needs... and sometimes, even his wants, too.
my gut instinct tells me to ask you not to speak of this to her... simply because i've made a promise to give myself '1 week for every month' since the last time she and i spoke. for my own emotional sanity. i'm nowhere near reaching my 49-50 weeks yet.
...but my praying heart tells that it's selfish to ask that. my praying heart tells me to ask you -- that if it's in God's will... -- to do all the things that i never had the chance to do...especially in my absence. give her flowers if she's sad. send her postcards or letters and pictures through the mail for no reason. travel the world and take pictures. volunteer to work with the poor in far-off places. learn to cook.
but most importantly... Grow into the man that God wants you to be. Whether that's to be good man for her, or for someone else... if you are always a good man for Him, there's no going wrong with that, in any situ..
...whatever you choose to do, though... act on it. And then find the real answer to the "why." I do still love the woman dearly... but she deserves the man that God is preparing for her... a strong and enduring man who willing to lead her to Him. A courageous man who will not hide, nor deceive her, nor himself. Whoever that man may be.
"though the sorrows may last for the night,
His joy comes with the morning."-ps 30:5
finally. i'm through counting. i'll let the household do it if they want, though. i'm sure they'll be on my back about surrogates. thank god for them; otherwise, i'd "fall in love with every woman i see who shows me the least bit of attention."
father god, only your hand could arrange a meeting nowadays. like you did last week. and your hand in our lives at that time (if it ever happens) would be reason enough to be happy. but lord, forgive me if this whole year has dulled my sense of hope a touch, and traded it for heavy dose realism.
........Realism. dear father... now i get it. brian, you idiot...
Only You are real. You are the only hope that's real............
i give you my apathy! // i'm giving you all of me!
i want your symphony // singing in all that i am
at the top of my lungs // i'm giving it back!
switchfoot - only hope.
carpe diem! seize the day! haven't i been telling you that from the beginning? >> this whole life is temporary!
posted by Brian at 9:50 p.m.
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