three regrets.

[Andy Stanley's The Best Question Ever. how did i ever live without this...]

yeah, i counted them.

...how much emotional crap could i have avoided had i stopped asking, "is there anything wrong with it?" i'd've been able to cut out two of those regrets.

and if i bothered stop believing that i could handle all of it on my own... had i bothered to hed wise counsel when it was offered... that last one could've been cut out, too.

but things are better now. there ain't no goin' back to fix 'em... but i intend to make this a life of few regrets. no more than three.

Just 15 minutes until i'm done here at work. have lots to tell the household today... too bad that only half of us will be there, AND i'll be late.

lots of good things to tell, though. i'm surpised that i've lasted this long...

Andy Stanley - The Best Question Ever. I wonder why I didn't start reading this when I bought it. Then again.... it makes perfect sense.

Blog post #101.

After reading 7.09.2005, I counted what 50 days was.

That was the day I went to Banff and Lake Louise.... the day after conference. Looking out at those mountains.... how could anyone look out at them and not recognize that God is real?

Banff was special, indeed. Like my own personal Pentecost... almost literally >> ascending into the heavens (mountains) to be with the Father.... even if only for a little while. Looking out at Lake Louise with that brief glimpse of the sun enduring brightly through the clouds...

It figures that my camera decided to die on that trip... with only a single picture of when we went up the gondola. I suppose that God really wanted the visual memories to stay only in my mind... As if to say, "This one picture will be enough for you, brian... no more 3x5s. There are some memories that are better left kept for your eyes only." God knows my photographic/scenic memory.

i feel so... released. i think today's xanga blog did it for me today.

---

when was the start of all this?
when did the cogs of fate begin to turn?
perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
from deep within the flow of time...

but, for a certainty, back then,
we loved so many, yet hated so much,
we hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

yet even then, we ran like the wind,
whilst our laughter echoed,
under cerulean skies....

--introduction, chrono cross

---

I've said it before, and i'll say it again: '05 has been a year-in-the-making for me.

Have you ever had the feeling at some point in your life -- when you feel that everything that you've ever lived through and everything that you've ever experienced was all some grand setup for a single moment? this whole YEAR (conference '04 to conference '05) has felt like one such moment...

I remember how hard I tried to fight God's instructions to my heart: given at last year's conference... so much, that I couldn't even write it down on my conference bracelet. And because I fought it so much, God had to put me through an entire "winter of discontent." ...because he KNEW that it was the only way to finally get me ACT on what he asked of me. And even when I DID act, it was half-assed... I tried so hard to rationalize with Him! I tried so hard to prove to myself that I could keep going, with or without Him!

I tried and failed.

But now... I am happy. Joyful, even. At peace. This week most especially. He spoke to me just as loudly and clearly this time around than at last year's conference, but the results were... different, definitely. Maybe because I acted on God's instructions to my heart without a second thought. Maybe because I didn't try to rationalize this time around. Or try to make deals with Him. Or demand that He prove to me that it was the right time by sending a sign.(Did it really take both the SFC and YFC conferences for me to finally get it?)

And when I review the story to myself, I still don't know: "When was the start of all this?" I ask myself: "When did this whole life-lesson on obedience begin? When did it start to show you how it blesses your life, and the lives of those you care for?" Was it the aftermath of SHouT '04, when I passed on the leadership of NWS... and first felt that feeling of real peace with a decision I would have never thought I would accept otherwise? Was it when I finally acted on my '04 conference promise the first time -- well-intentioned, but half-assed as it was? Was it when I didn't rationalize joining the CLPs for SFC, and just said yes (to Chico, just like when he first invited me to YFC)? Was it when I became committed to the Weege8 (my household)? (For the Weege8 and those who know:) Was it the aftermath of watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and starting the whole "50 weeks"-thing? Was it when I started to give without counting the (financial) cost?

Was it from the time I hated God for the feeling of rejection?

Or was it on that fateful day... when God first guided a girl's quiet hand to find its way into mine?

...I suppose the single moment doesn't need to be discovered. For the most important lessons: it rarely ever is.

In this obedience though... I've found that God blesses the people around you abundantly, too... One of my co-workers was hired for an internal position a couple of weeks ago (finally off of the phones like he wanted to be). Another co-worker was promoted on last friday to Junior Team Lead. Jonas will be the first to be called for an interview tomorrow at my workplace. And all of the changes around YFC Metro up and coming might be tough to swallow for some at first, but the resulting harvest (by God's grace) will be a great one.

The short version of this story would be... Let God have His way with you. He's a miracle worker (in your life and in your friends' lives) if you let Him do His thing...

Every moment is God-given. Ask yourselves (as I ask myself): "Will I return this moment to Him?"

---

Dear Father... please keep having Your way with me! Speak loudly and clearly to me so that I might live loudly in Christ for You... continue to bless the lives to those around me in my obedience to You.

rumour has it... pt.2 // this love thing that you do...

Lord, You know my heart and all my desires.
and the secret things i'll never tell: Lord, You know them well.
though I may be young, I see and understand
that at times -- like sheep -- we go astray... and things get out of hand.

so, i promise to be true to You...
to live my life in purity; as unto You...
waiting for the day when i hear You say,
"Here is the one I have created... just for you."

until then, oh Lord... i will be content
knowing that true love will come someday;
it will only come from You.

'Cause i have seen the suffering that loneliness can cause
when we choose to give our love away without a righteous cause...

jaci velasquez - i promise

---

rumour has it that she is still ashamed of me. still afraid to be seen with me. i believed for a day, but it's only a rumour. but now i know: this will be my cross... just to love those who never know the thousand ways they hurt.

jesus, now i know how you survived it... and it's so unfathomable: this love thing that you do... i'm getting the hang of it, now, though.

...thanks.

i read two depressing blogs today... all i've been saying to myself as i type is... "that's so sad." they (the blogs) kinda make me angry, too. for one of them, it was because such injustice brought onto them. for the other, it was because they bring such injustice onto themselves.

they have reasons to be angry in their own right... but is that what god would want from them?

i pray that one day, each will long to forgive the ones that hurt them. that one day, each be truly sorry and long for forgiveness from the ones who they've hurt.

there's so much POWER in words. first Hebrews 10:32-39 (MSG), then those two blogs.

speaking of that passage...

Hebrews 10 (the message)
³²Remember those early days after you first saw the light? Those were the hard times! ³³Kicked around in public, targets of every kind of abuse--some days it was you, other days your friends. ³⁴If some friends went to prison, you stuck by them. If some enemies broke in and seized your goods, you let them go with a smile, knowing they couldn't touch your real treasure. Nothing they did bothered you, nothing set you back. ³⁵So don't throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It's still a sure thing! ³⁶But you need to stick it out, staying with God's plan so you'll be there for the promised completion.

³⁷It won't be long now, he's on the way;
he'll show up most any minute.
³⁸But anyone who is right with me thrives on loyal trust;
if he cuts and runs, I won't be very happy.

³⁹But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.

---

'the early days... you were sure of yourselves then.' after going to both conferences, it really feels that "once again -- for the very first time -- my eyes are opening" to 'the light.'

power in words....... 'don't throw it all away now... if he cuts and runs, i won't be very happy.'

don't rationalize. bring truth into the light. endure like the sun! stay with my plan, stay with what i have planned for you, and act. don't cut and run... not this time, no longer. stay with me... trust me and you'll survive.

a man who will not hide, nor deceive pt. 3

"with tearful eyes, i see the sin that i afford..."
-the swift, "i need you"

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two conferences. it took me two conferences to get here. to own up to the thousand ways i hurt. to own up to the real reasons for hiding and deception.

i'm so damned good at wearing the mask!

i hope that one day she will forgive me.

how many times have i wondered, "could this be the last day to try again?" now afteer the conferences, how many times have i asked myself, "could this be the last day to ask for forgiveness............?

dear father, must i still hide, even though i have no intentions of deceiving myself any longer?

The Swift - I Need You

my heart is restless in me; my wings are all worn out
i'm walking in the wilderness and i cannot get out
i need You. Oh, i need You; blessed Savior come
i need You. Oh, i need You; fill the every longing in my soul

oh, how I need You, Lord. I need Your perfect Word...
with tearful eyes, i see the sin that i afford
i need to weep and pray for all the thousand ways
that i have failed You just today

my bed is soaked with sadness; my sadness has no end.
a downward spiral of despair that i keep falling in...
i need You. Oh, I need You; to You my soul shall fly!
i need You. Oh, I need You; Yahweh, how i love You more than life!

oh, how I need You, Lord! I need Your perfect Word...
with tearful eyes, i see the sin that i afford
i need to weep and pray for all the thousand ways
that i have failed You just today

Your silence is like death to me!
...so won't You hear my desperate plea?

today my soul is soaring way over mountains high.
though I can see the valleys, they're all just passing by.
it's not that i am stronger (look at my feeble wings).
but i've been lifted higher; Yahweh's lifted me in His own strength

oh, how I love You, Lord! i love Your perfect Word!
with tearful eyes to see the God who always will endure!
now I will celebrate! ...for all the thousand ways
that You have shown me grace and made my heart in grace to stay
you've made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heart in grace to stay

i need You. Oh, I need You...

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it took me two conferences to figure it out. to figure out what god meant when he said i was so close.