i feel so... released. i think today's xanga blog did it for me today.

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when was the start of all this?
when did the cogs of fate begin to turn?
perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
from deep within the flow of time...

but, for a certainty, back then,
we loved so many, yet hated so much,
we hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

yet even then, we ran like the wind,
whilst our laughter echoed,
under cerulean skies....

--introduction, chrono cross

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I've said it before, and i'll say it again: '05 has been a year-in-the-making for me.

Have you ever had the feeling at some point in your life -- when you feel that everything that you've ever lived through and everything that you've ever experienced was all some grand setup for a single moment? this whole YEAR (conference '04 to conference '05) has felt like one such moment...

I remember how hard I tried to fight God's instructions to my heart: given at last year's conference... so much, that I couldn't even write it down on my conference bracelet. And because I fought it so much, God had to put me through an entire "winter of discontent." ...because he KNEW that it was the only way to finally get me ACT on what he asked of me. And even when I DID act, it was half-assed... I tried so hard to rationalize with Him! I tried so hard to prove to myself that I could keep going, with or without Him!

I tried and failed.

But now... I am happy. Joyful, even. At peace. This week most especially. He spoke to me just as loudly and clearly this time around than at last year's conference, but the results were... different, definitely. Maybe because I acted on God's instructions to my heart without a second thought. Maybe because I didn't try to rationalize this time around. Or try to make deals with Him. Or demand that He prove to me that it was the right time by sending a sign.(Did it really take both the SFC and YFC conferences for me to finally get it?)

And when I review the story to myself, I still don't know: "When was the start of all this?" I ask myself: "When did this whole life-lesson on obedience begin? When did it start to show you how it blesses your life, and the lives of those you care for?" Was it the aftermath of SHouT '04, when I passed on the leadership of NWS... and first felt that feeling of real peace with a decision I would have never thought I would accept otherwise? Was it when I finally acted on my '04 conference promise the first time -- well-intentioned, but half-assed as it was? Was it when I didn't rationalize joining the CLPs for SFC, and just said yes (to Chico, just like when he first invited me to YFC)? Was it when I became committed to the Weege8 (my household)? (For the Weege8 and those who know:) Was it the aftermath of watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and starting the whole "50 weeks"-thing? Was it when I started to give without counting the (financial) cost?

Was it from the time I hated God for the feeling of rejection?

Or was it on that fateful day... when God first guided a girl's quiet hand to find its way into mine?

...I suppose the single moment doesn't need to be discovered. For the most important lessons: it rarely ever is.

In this obedience though... I've found that God blesses the people around you abundantly, too... One of my co-workers was hired for an internal position a couple of weeks ago (finally off of the phones like he wanted to be). Another co-worker was promoted on last friday to Junior Team Lead. Jonas will be the first to be called for an interview tomorrow at my workplace. And all of the changes around YFC Metro up and coming might be tough to swallow for some at first, but the resulting harvest (by God's grace) will be a great one.

The short version of this story would be... Let God have His way with you. He's a miracle worker (in your life and in your friends' lives) if you let Him do His thing...

Every moment is God-given. Ask yourselves (as I ask myself): "Will I return this moment to Him?"

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Dear Father... please keep having Your way with me! Speak loudly and clearly to me so that I might live loudly in Christ for You... continue to bless the lives to those around me in my obedience to You.