Switchfoot - Let That Be Enough // order to the chaos

wish i had what i needed to be on my own
'cause i feel so defeated and i’m feeling alone
and it all seems so helpless and i have no plans
i’m a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land

and all i see - it could never make me happy
and all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing

let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
let that be enough

it’s my birthday tomorrow. no one here could know
i was born this thursday - twenty-two years ago

and i feel stuck watching history repeating
oh, am i just a kid who knows he’s needy?

let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
let that be enough

---

of course i miss the hugs. pretty much all girl-scents anger me, because i don't have one now. ...at least there's no regret. oh, i was ready, and confident. and willing to try again. not unsure of the future anymore. and while the less tactful say, "well, it's her loss," it's my loss, too.

...and if i didn't get to meet up with her again, in the most recent of times... i'd be in total chaos. i'd've hit my "yearly" winter depression a few months early. it's always about timing with you, isn't it?

you help to bring order to the chaos. you truly are a queen like others say that you are.... in all your grace and majesty. there's just no surviving this coming season without you!

...they're almost magical, these beads on a string............ our life, our sweetness, and our hope. if knowing you through these beads can bring peace to my heart, hopefully they can bring peace to the world someday... one person at a time.

in the way that you're already showing me.

---

happy brithday, brian. every year has always been more challenging than the last... and more memorable. and meaningful. i've always been here. you know i want the best for you, like the rest of family here.........

Hail, Holy Queen!

...Mother of Mercy! Our life, our sweetness, and our hope! To thee do we cry -- poor banished children of Eve... to thee do we send up our sighs -- mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn, then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us; and after this -- our exile -- show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus.

O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary... pray for us, O holy Mother of God: that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

O God, whose only begotton Son, by His life, death, and resurrection has purchased for us the rewards of eternal life... Grant, we beseech Thee, that meditating upon these mysteries in the most Holy Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we may imitate what they contain, and obtain what they promise: through the same Christ our Lord.

---

...this has been a week of answered prayers. all regrets have finally been revisited, and forgiven.

---

"back to you
it always comes around
back to you..."

i doubt that you remember me saying,
"this song always reminded me of you..."
that was back in feb '04.

but i very much doubt you'll return.

maybe i still regret not taking your advice...?
no! the life of few regrets...

...i can't wait until i can look back on everything and laugh. really!

Life is fragile; handle it with prayer.

my lola has this stitched somewhere. i never really took it in until this past week.


the life of few regrets! i need to get out of here.

this morning's coffee // rumour has it... pt. 3

i've been used.
or did i just let it happen?

---

...where is the wisdom? what is the wise thing to do?
dammit, the question is irritating now!
it makes me wanna scream!

oh, but i was warned, wasn't i.........

---

Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue

there's a place off Ocean Avenue
where i used to sit and talk with you
we were both 16 and it felt so right
sleeping all day, staying up all night
staying up all night

there's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
we would walk on the beach in our bare feet
we were both 18 and it felt so right
sleeping all day, staying up all night
staying up all night

if i could find you now things would get better
we could leave this town and run forever
let your waves crash down on me and take me away

there's a piece of you that's here with me
it's everywhere i go, it's everything i see
when i sleep, i dream and it gets me by
i can make believe that you're here tonight
that you're here tonight

if i could find you now things would get better
we could leave this town and run forever
i know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
let your waves crash down on me and take me away

i remember the look in your eyes
when i told you that this was goodbye
you were begging me not tonight
not here, not now
we're looking up at the same night sky
and keep pretending the sun will not rise
be together for one more night
somewhere, somehow

if i could find you now! things would get better
we could leave this town and run forever
i know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
let your waves crash down on me and take me away

---

if i could only find you now.


dammit, i want my friends back! those were happy times.........


your passing through my life and from this life changed everything.

discernment pt. 2 // the life of few regrets pt. 2

joel's life and death will always remind me to be passionate about life. instead of going through each day merely existing. to spend more time living, and less time thinking about living.

keeping those things in mind, i almost said things and did things i would've regretted over these past few days. oh, and there were lots of opportunities.

but just because there's nothing wrong with what i've done so far (or haven't done)... it doesn't make it right.

...watching Constantine yesterday didn't help.



it's not me who i'm worried about... it's you.
if you only knew how wonderful discernment is... and how disturbing to the heart it really is.



dear father, what more must be done to guarantee the life of few regrets?

Joel Rosales: 3/3/83 - 9/9/05.

i came to work early today, so i had time to walk to the timmy's 'round here.

i think it was you who introduced me to french vanilla.

...........did we do enough for you? i think a bunch of us have been asking our own version of that question since you've passed. of course, no single person can ultimately be blamed for it, nor can anyone accept that blame, but... St. Paul also taught us to be accountable to each other as well.

when i was at the viewing yesterday, i noticed that there were no pictures of your YFC days. "...will no one know the zeal he once had to live for You and serve You?"

i had hoped that you would join us again in SFC sometime... to reminisce about the old days. and maybe to light that passion again to serve. i agree with what's been said about SFC -- it's like how YFC used to be 5-6 years ago... when YFC was just about ready to *really explode.

back then, you were a dreamer, too. remember dreaming about conference in the SkyDome, filled to capacity? oh, you would've loved c4..............

i touched your casket and remembered these things...became saddened that -- maybe -- we didn't get to you in time. became saddened that you would not again feel the joy of service.

your brothers missed you, dammit. we would mostly hear the "negative" stories....... but we're still your brothers. it was always a happy time when we saw you, despite those stories. we would tell eachother, "hey, i saw joel the other day... yeah, he's doing good."

but i know that you are in His kingdom and in His presence... your belief has saved you. so how could you... NOT be happy? ...i only pray that Jesus can plead your case to His Father... to gain for You as many rewards from your service to Him in this life as possible. Serve him humbly now that you are nearer to Him...............

...i'll bring some pics i found to today's viewing for you. you were happy in those days, too. men and women deserve to know the joy you had when in service to Him in this life.

the fog inside the glass around your summer heart pt. 2

JUST BECAUSE THERE'S "NOTHING WRONG" WITH IT (actions, decisions, etc)...
THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!

...IS THIS THE WISE THING TO DO?

you idiot, brian. when will you get it through your head? stupid stupid stupid STUPID idiot IDIOT idiot idiot IDIOT!

you need to pray, brian.

...when autumn comes, it doesn't ask
it just walks in where it left you last
you never know when it starts
until there's fog around the glass around your summer heart.

...i can't be sure if this state of mind is not of my own design.
but i wish(!) there was an over-the-counter test
for my loneliness // for my loneliness like this.

something is always missing, and i don't know how i'm ever gonna fix it.
something is always missing, and i don't know how i'm ever gonna be me.

they always say 'fix it and forget it,'
but i think it works the other way,
'cause only when you're done counting little points
do you ever learn to live your way

something will always be missing
if you're looking for a maybe // if you're looking for a maybe
you will always be looking for something
for the sensation to find nothing

something's missing
and i don't know (no) // and i don't know (no) // and i don't know (no)

- john mayer something's missing (as/is, 7.16.04, shoreline amphitheater, mountain view, CA)

---

autumn doesn't ask, it just walks right in. and if the fog builds around the summer heart... what could THIS year's winter possibly bring?

three regrets pt. 2 // 2 down, 1 to go.

there are few things that run deeper than relational regret. how do i seek redemption for this last one?

[2:35pm] ......i just found myself falling asleep to the sound of people typing at their keyboards.

i need to get some sleep.

i got an anonymous comment (which i've already deleted) a few minutes after i ended my blog last night (2am). it was both harmless (in that it was probably an auto-spammer program posting comments on every recent blog they see >> damned advertisting) and disturbing (in that it advertised a website which sold cat-scratching posts >> damned advertising.......(?)).

she loved cats. i'm not especially big on animals, but i was starting to get attached to her cat... way-back-when.

cat-scratching posts. dammit........
although i'm relieved nothing was updated there.

...that was one crazy summer i had. we'll top it next year, God. thanks.

a man who will not hide, nor deceive pt. 4 // the right and noble thing pt. 2

summer isn't over
they will lie to you // they will say it's true, but
summer isn't over // summer isn't over

i will worry about it
when i find out what it really is
i'm worried about it // i'm worried about it

don't be scared about next tuesday
tuesday hasn't happened yet // tuesday hasn't happened yet
summer isn't over
they will tell you so, but
summer isn't over (no, no, no)...

- clarity, john mayer (as/is, 7.16.04, shoreline amphitheater, mountain view, CA)

---

no more hiding, and no more deceiving myself by believing the age-old catch >> "there's nothing wrong with what i'm doing." just because it's not wrong, just because it's legal and socially permissible.... it doesn't make it right.

i forgot that i had set this blog up that way... until sometime after the SFC conference. when i bothered to play around with all the neat little options here. and even when i DID know, i could just HIDE behind that excuse >> "oh, i forgot about that..." and just deceive myself into thinking, "i'm not doing anything wrong!"

but no more hiding! nor deception... especially to myself. this is the right and noble thing to do.

---

again, i pray for a short and forgettable month.

communication is a two-way thing... just like prayer.
prayer = communication = two-way. await My reply, brian.

Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends

summer has come and passed // the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass // seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again // falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again // becoming who we are

as my memory rests // but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed // the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again // like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again // falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again // becoming who we are

as my memory rests // but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed // the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass // twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends...

---

please let this be a short month.