you always did have a way with timing pt.2

what little doubt that still remained from owning up to the BQE honestly... was removed today by the one who started everything.

...it was always about timing with you! thank you for calling out to me, instead of just letting me pass you by.

to those who will live in the fallout of my actions: it's nothing personal, but it's necessary. the only way to continue to guarantee this life of few regrets.

focus, brian! she is a testament to the fact that good things come to those who wait!
-- oh, patience will reward me someday... if i can hold out!

when you dry your eyes...

another xanga comment (for posterity's sake)

dangit, i've been meaning to tell you that you've had some awesome blogs lately... sincerely! i share your frustration! there's sooooo many other things i agree with you on, but i'll see if i can cut it down...

...if they've "heard it before," then isn't it OBVIOUS that what you suggest is what NEEDS to be done? it's like if they ask same questions over and over to enough people, SOMEONE will tell them what they WANT to hear, as opposed to what they NEED to hear. (thankfully, you're not one of those people who only wants to placate others... real friends lay it straight, and it's a shame that a lot of teenagers feel that real friends say whatever you want them to say, or do whatever you tell them to do.) and it's even MORE frustrating when they get mad at YOU when you're trying to help! shoot, venting is ONE thing (and can be quite theraputic), but friggin' DO something about it afterwards! arghhhh

"God is not a wish-granter." well-said!! I just remembered talk 1, and how one of the points is how we choose suffering (e.g., how adam and eve knowingly chose to do the forbidden, and paid the consequences). God sets the rules, and when we don't go by them... it bites us in the ass sooner or later. He loves us and all, and truly wants us to have the best! ...but He doesn't make it easy to get back in line; we have to consciously follow him more closely to get there.

lastly... Guidance! [G]od, [u] and [i] [dance]. ...when two people dance, it doesn't work when they *both try to lead. Between me and God, someone has to follow the other, and we all know which one of us should be doing the leading.

ay-ya, sorry for the mini-essay... it's just that i've been witness to the friend-situation you described earlier, and i've been on both ends of it.

.....i guess it's all in the god's timing that i finally decided to write my new-year's blog only today. if people could turn their focus away from themselves for just a moment, and put it to where it belongs, ya?

Posted 2/16/2006 at 2:35 AM by bobo929

Serendipity.

finally saw this movie after the reviews i heard from it. boss-lady at MCare suggested it to me recently, so i figure i should go download it. stop reading if you haven't seen the movie and plan to do so.

---

Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soulmate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old.

Softspoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden, quasi-Youngian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit for his long-reputed soulmate -- a woman with whom he only spent a few precious hours with.

Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night -- incomplete, an utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-Uh. But rather, it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan.

Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky (the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times) described Jonathan as "a changed man... in the last days of his life.

"Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. "Ultimately, Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call 'fatum,' what we currently refer to as 'destiny.'"

email excerpt (for posterity's sake)

{[excerpts only]}

From: "·Brian Padua ·" bobo929@hotmail.com
To: *****************
Subject: dunno why, but...
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006 14:47:48 -0500

" ..............i woke up this morning around 6am unnecessarily (with about only 4-5 hrs of sleep, also for no reason)... with an overbearing and overwhelming sense of... grief? i think that's what it was... dunno why. of course, i remembered it was the "dreaded" "single's appreciation day" (S.A.D.! =s), but i wasn't thinking of any particular past moment. or memory. it was odd -- like a sudden.. "empty" feeling, like falling through an emotional bottomless pit. or more like.... i was being emptied of something......... i know what i was feeling at the time (a strong mixture of grief, sadness, emptiness, and even loneliness for no apparent reason), but even remembering Ps30:5 wasn't helping. ("though the sorrow may last for the night, his joy comes with the morning....")

and the question that's been atacking me over the past few weeks hit me... "what the heck's it all for?" ALL of it -- school stress, working, the strange drive to have a family someday.... what's it all for, when it's coupled with a hopelessness that -- even if school is done, and work comes along -- that no one will care, and that none of it will matter? i'll have the education, a job that can support the future of a family.... but no family to support! it may be the *wise* thing to keep going with it, but... why? this empty-feeling, deeper than any sadness i've known before... why?

i was even apprehensive to do my morning bus-rosary, just out of sheer hopelessness... "will i make a difference? is doing the rosary every morning even making a difference anymore? my thoughts wander everywhere nowadays when i pray, and the real meaning is lost...."

but once i started -- (oh, and you know where this is going)...

..............there was something about this morning's rosary that made me feel... not-so-alone anymore. focused. once i started (and it's always "The Agony in the Garden" that gets me)....... it came natural to focus on something else besides myself and the crap that i'm feeling. jesus went through SO much more -- both physical and emotional... and we all know the reasons why.
anyway........ just wanted to share that with you. dunno if i've made any sense at all... but from now on.... i pray that NO ONE has to EVER feel what i felt this morning. the world felt so... heavy. "

The Swift - Almost There

well, I still recall the day you walked away:
it wasn't what I had in mind... and
it was the hardest thing to let you go, because
I know you could've loved Me if you tried

and We were almost there...

well, keeping track of you is a painful thing
how I hate to see you fall...!
and how I die inside when you can't see
that I'd love to be there with you through it all...

and We were almost there!

come away with me, My love!
we almost had a good thing going...
come back! come back!
come away with me, My love!
come back! come back!
come away with me! My love...

you go ahead, and do what you "have to do";
I hope and pray you change your mind, but...
if you come back, could you remember to bring My heart?
I'll stay right here so I'm not hard to find.

and We were almost there...!
yes, We were almost there...

---

thank you for your steadfastness, jesus. and for being able to find you even if i deliberately turn away.



.......i'm not hard to find. i'd love to be there with you through it all.

xanga comment (for posterity's sake)

sometimes, god allows those feelings of security and peace to get up and leave... so that you don't depend on those feelings to guide you. i'd call it His subtle way of telling you, "you're indeed growing and becoming stronger spiritually... and now, you're strong enough know to call on Me to get you through this storm... you're strong enough to trust Me, strong enough to ask others to help you trust Me... i want you to pass this test -- i KNOW you can! ...even if you don't feel Me."

when i feel the way you are feeling... and even in those times when i'm in complete apathy (*not feeling anything)... it's in those times when i remember one of my fave verses of all time, as darrell evans put it >> "Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes with the morning." (Ps 30:5).

the feelings (or non-feelings) don't last forever.... it comes with the morning. and that's one truth you can count on time and time again.

...and there are others (other truths), but i'm sure aleady know them somewhere deep inside. admitting/submitting to them, though.... that's something else.

Posted 2/11/2006 at 9:44 AM by bobo929

post #127 // final release

been slowly cleaning out my old laptop. found a textfile of a pair of posts i deleted from a private blogspot i set up years ago...

i passed by the blogspot... can't believe it's still up, unchanged and immortalized. i removed my access to post there a long time ago, and always thought that the other admin would do the same... and once that was done, it *should* just delete the blog, no?

...kinda felt like John Mayer's Simmering Medley >> 'sleeping at the crash site, resting on the wreckage of somebody old past life, another one's old love....'

the last thing i posted there (incidentally, the last thing ever posted) was "i'm learning that some things are better left unsaid." when i matched up the dates in the textfile i found, and the day of the last post... well, i didn't need to do any matching; these are the posts i deleted.

The Best Question Ever reminds me to ask the BQE "in light of the past circumstances" so i can make informed decisions today... so i gotta put it somewhere as a reminder to do that.

call it final release, unburdening, resolution... forgiveness, even. the intended recipient has long walked away from this moment in time, as should i.

jesus, it's yours.

----------------------------------
3.2.2005

i miss your phone call, dammit.
i went to sleep after i got home and had dinner with the fam
that was around 8:30pm
i told myself to read, but i didn't.
fell asleep sometime before 9:30pm.

woke up at 4am this morning.

it'd be so easy to erase you from my memory, but
the lord god won't let me forget!
a small part of me thinks back over the last few months
"they were all a waste!"
time doesn't heal all, it only allows the hurts to fester
we read that in purpose-driven life before.

part of me believes that i'll never recover.
most of me blames myself
"you never did enough, brian."

the hardest part is just being your friend, dammit.

a chunk of me belives you only want the benefits of my friendship
without any the responsibilities...
the best of both worlds.
it's the same part of me that refuses to call you for any reason.
that same part of me goes on to explain it all away.
"she doesn't call because she doesn't need your friendship anymore. she has other ways of expressing her freedom now."
"don't you notice? she only calls when she wants something from you."
"are you stupid? she openly declared wanting freedom from the relationship. from YOU. she doesn't deserve any of the TIME you want to give her. she doesn't deserve your thought, your words, your actions."
"are you blind? she's not interested in maintaining the friendship you once had...
before all this three-year relationship started."

dammit, i don't want to believe those lies!

but are they really lies? they are so convincing, god dammit!.
dammit, where are you?
i still want to love you!
i can't do that if you're nowhere...

Ambivalence. damn this ambivalence!
god deliver this cup from me please
steal me away like a thief in the night
if not me, then the memory of me
the memory of the man i wanted to be
for her, for me, for you
take control of this damned freewill
because i'm too weak to live for myself
i've always been too weak
i just want to live for your purpose in me.



....and the pretense will continue. like it always does. i'm too high-maintenance to want to deal with this anyway.....
dammit dammit dammit dammit

you probably stay friends with me out of pity. and keep up the pretense out of courtesy. ...that's what i do, anyway, with keeping up appearances. you were never one to have a serious chat unless i backed you into a corner. and i've no right to do that anymore. nor is it my responsibility anymore.

damn this ambivalence! when will it leave me alone?!

when all this is over, when i've finally moved on from you
"i'll give you the credit // and take what went wrong."




...

posted by Brian @ 6:02 AM 0 comments
----------------------------
2.23.2005
10:48pm

there hasn't been a day when i've thought none of you
my lost love
it never fails to creep up on me

and i wonder if my penchant for my disappearing friends
holds true again

10:53pm
i'm tempted to remove some memoirs i have of you
unsure if it's a temptation, or a calling

10:55pm
i did call you earlier.
when will i realize that you're not the centre of my life anymore?
when will it hit me to say... "it is finished." like jesus did?
is *what finished?

10:59pm
i'm not invincible
why do i pretend that i'm immortal?

dammit, i just want my friend back.

god, don't tell me that
'you never realize what you had til it's gone.'
i know what i had

11:05pm
i read your blog everyday
perhaps because i can tell that
it's the kind of truth i asked for from from the onset.
raw, honest truth

11:07pm
i know i'll keep the pretense that i'm fine
and more than fine
more than bent on getting by
more than fine
more than just okay

11:08pm
i ended up buying the beautiful letdown
overpriced.

11:09pm
it came with a dvd i haven't watched yet.
i know i'll pretend that i haven't read anthing you wrote
maybe you'll do the same with this one here

11:11pm
i still miss you, dammit.
i wonder if i'll have the guts to tell you that, when next we speak....
while half-expecting that you haven't missed me too terribly.
what happened? we were friends before.

11:14pm
you and i could make it big.
i read your blog everyday
waiting until you say you've finished reading that book

when i saw paulo that day at stc, i told him i was reading it.
he didn't get to finish it.
he said he was too scared to finish it.

it's scary stuff to think that far ahead.

11:17pm
every night i pray that you are well
and that you feel... cared for.
that you *are cared for.

11:19pm
that god is showering his love on you...
as he is for me right now.

11:22pm
how i do miss... loving you
it's hard to prove with the distance of miles

you were always miles and miles ahead of me
in so many ways.

11:26pm
i was cleaning up
putting stuff away
when i found it there
yeseterday
it was late
we were drinking
the picture was dog-earred
we both were blinking

i want you back today
i thought you left your toothbrush here
as a way to say
i'll always be
messing with you

-john mayer, comfortable (i want you back, live)

11:27pm
if you picked up earlier
i think we'd be having a completely different conversation
completely different, than this one-sided thing

we've lied to eachother a lot over the years.
very rarely laying everything out on the line
to show our real selves.

11:32pm
your love is better than ice cream
i don't know why i just remembered that lyric.

i miss my chocolate fondu
my peaches
my elephant shoes
my green jello
my j
my boss-lady

11:34pm
i've witnessed the death of many friendships
the death of love
doctor? more like a mortician sometimes.

11:38pm
i should get to sleep.
i'll find you again... someday.

fare thee well, friend.

Carlos Olmeda - Dear Anna

did the roses never open?
are you left to start again? and
not a single tear should fall into the water
that you kept them in...

dear anna, i am the only one
who will love you until the end.
ay, anna, open your heart again, and
warm me by the fire within.

how you gonna face the autumn
with the pain your only friend?
just remember that before you know the winter...!
you'll know love again.

dear anna, i am the only who
will love you until the end.
ay, anna, open your heart again, and
warm me by the fire within.

i stand forewarned:
love will change even the best of friends.

nothing wrong with starting over!
go on and have yourself a cry...
'cause i just wanna be the man with arms around you
when you dry your eyes.

---

when you dry your eyes...

no mental gymnastics 'bout this.

...dang. that question really is the best question ever.