post #127 // final release

been slowly cleaning out my old laptop. found a textfile of a pair of posts i deleted from a private blogspot i set up years ago...

i passed by the blogspot... can't believe it's still up, unchanged and immortalized. i removed my access to post there a long time ago, and always thought that the other admin would do the same... and once that was done, it *should* just delete the blog, no?

...kinda felt like John Mayer's Simmering Medley >> 'sleeping at the crash site, resting on the wreckage of somebody old past life, another one's old love....'

the last thing i posted there (incidentally, the last thing ever posted) was "i'm learning that some things are better left unsaid." when i matched up the dates in the textfile i found, and the day of the last post... well, i didn't need to do any matching; these are the posts i deleted.

The Best Question Ever reminds me to ask the BQE "in light of the past circumstances" so i can make informed decisions today... so i gotta put it somewhere as a reminder to do that.

call it final release, unburdening, resolution... forgiveness, even. the intended recipient has long walked away from this moment in time, as should i.

jesus, it's yours.

----------------------------------
3.2.2005

i miss your phone call, dammit.
i went to sleep after i got home and had dinner with the fam
that was around 8:30pm
i told myself to read, but i didn't.
fell asleep sometime before 9:30pm.

woke up at 4am this morning.

it'd be so easy to erase you from my memory, but
the lord god won't let me forget!
a small part of me thinks back over the last few months
"they were all a waste!"
time doesn't heal all, it only allows the hurts to fester
we read that in purpose-driven life before.

part of me believes that i'll never recover.
most of me blames myself
"you never did enough, brian."

the hardest part is just being your friend, dammit.

a chunk of me belives you only want the benefits of my friendship
without any the responsibilities...
the best of both worlds.
it's the same part of me that refuses to call you for any reason.
that same part of me goes on to explain it all away.
"she doesn't call because she doesn't need your friendship anymore. she has other ways of expressing her freedom now."
"don't you notice? she only calls when she wants something from you."
"are you stupid? she openly declared wanting freedom from the relationship. from YOU. she doesn't deserve any of the TIME you want to give her. she doesn't deserve your thought, your words, your actions."
"are you blind? she's not interested in maintaining the friendship you once had...
before all this three-year relationship started."

dammit, i don't want to believe those lies!

but are they really lies? they are so convincing, god dammit!.
dammit, where are you?
i still want to love you!
i can't do that if you're nowhere...

Ambivalence. damn this ambivalence!
god deliver this cup from me please
steal me away like a thief in the night
if not me, then the memory of me
the memory of the man i wanted to be
for her, for me, for you
take control of this damned freewill
because i'm too weak to live for myself
i've always been too weak
i just want to live for your purpose in me.



....and the pretense will continue. like it always does. i'm too high-maintenance to want to deal with this anyway.....
dammit dammit dammit dammit

you probably stay friends with me out of pity. and keep up the pretense out of courtesy. ...that's what i do, anyway, with keeping up appearances. you were never one to have a serious chat unless i backed you into a corner. and i've no right to do that anymore. nor is it my responsibility anymore.

damn this ambivalence! when will it leave me alone?!

when all this is over, when i've finally moved on from you
"i'll give you the credit // and take what went wrong."




...

posted by Brian @ 6:02 AM 0 comments
----------------------------
2.23.2005
10:48pm

there hasn't been a day when i've thought none of you
my lost love
it never fails to creep up on me

and i wonder if my penchant for my disappearing friends
holds true again

10:53pm
i'm tempted to remove some memoirs i have of you
unsure if it's a temptation, or a calling

10:55pm
i did call you earlier.
when will i realize that you're not the centre of my life anymore?
when will it hit me to say... "it is finished." like jesus did?
is *what finished?

10:59pm
i'm not invincible
why do i pretend that i'm immortal?

dammit, i just want my friend back.

god, don't tell me that
'you never realize what you had til it's gone.'
i know what i had

11:05pm
i read your blog everyday
perhaps because i can tell that
it's the kind of truth i asked for from from the onset.
raw, honest truth

11:07pm
i know i'll keep the pretense that i'm fine
and more than fine
more than bent on getting by
more than fine
more than just okay

11:08pm
i ended up buying the beautiful letdown
overpriced.

11:09pm
it came with a dvd i haven't watched yet.
i know i'll pretend that i haven't read anthing you wrote
maybe you'll do the same with this one here

11:11pm
i still miss you, dammit.
i wonder if i'll have the guts to tell you that, when next we speak....
while half-expecting that you haven't missed me too terribly.
what happened? we were friends before.

11:14pm
you and i could make it big.
i read your blog everyday
waiting until you say you've finished reading that book

when i saw paulo that day at stc, i told him i was reading it.
he didn't get to finish it.
he said he was too scared to finish it.

it's scary stuff to think that far ahead.

11:17pm
every night i pray that you are well
and that you feel... cared for.
that you *are cared for.

11:19pm
that god is showering his love on you...
as he is for me right now.

11:22pm
how i do miss... loving you
it's hard to prove with the distance of miles

you were always miles and miles ahead of me
in so many ways.

11:26pm
i was cleaning up
putting stuff away
when i found it there
yeseterday
it was late
we were drinking
the picture was dog-earred
we both were blinking

i want you back today
i thought you left your toothbrush here
as a way to say
i'll always be
messing with you

-john mayer, comfortable (i want you back, live)

11:27pm
if you picked up earlier
i think we'd be having a completely different conversation
completely different, than this one-sided thing

we've lied to eachother a lot over the years.
very rarely laying everything out on the line
to show our real selves.

11:32pm
your love is better than ice cream
i don't know why i just remembered that lyric.

i miss my chocolate fondu
my peaches
my elephant shoes
my green jello
my j
my boss-lady

11:34pm
i've witnessed the death of many friendships
the death of love
doctor? more like a mortician sometimes.

11:38pm
i should get to sleep.
i'll find you again... someday.

fare thee well, friend.