Follow-up and follow-through!

the link-backs to Multiply:
http://bobo929.multiply.com/journal/item/11
http://bobo929.multiply.com/journal/item/10

In light of our topics yesterday, just wanted to share with you one of my all-time favourite verses in Phillippians 4:13 >> "I can do all things through the One (through Christ) who strengthens me." .....so that even if I have the best of intentions (especially in our topic of relationships, etc.), any words or actions attached to those intentions will ultimately fail.....without the direct prompting of the Holy Spirit at its beginning. That 'direct prompting' can be at anytime, and may be in direct-disagreement with what the world might deem 'unacceptable,' or even what the community might deem 'unacceptable' (this will obviously cause our hearts confusion!), but.... if we are certain that the prompting is indeed from God, then we have to follow-up (haha) and follow-through with that prompting -- while constantly being fearless in our asking of the Holy Spirit for further promptings.

.....hmm. "Follow-Up, and follow-through." like.... allowing ourselves to be led upwards to God first! to seek His prompting...and then allowing ourselves to be led through an emotion/circumstance by the Holy Spirit -- no matter what the cost. Jesus was led all the way to death with his promptings (ouch! what a heavy cost!), and even though there were people from his own 'community' who disagreed with him (e.g., high priests), he was also certain of his perfect trust with his Father, ya?

And now that I think about it.... for us, God also does the same: he wants to lead us "all the way to death" ---- to the death of our "self". to the death of selfish thinking. not to the death of our personality (that's God-given!), but to the death of.......thinking that my existence is to bring glory for myself, or that my existence is meaningless (don't worry, i don't personally believe this, guys!). to the death of "it's all about me." to the death of "i have no purpose."

and then God will do whatever it takes for those thoughts to die -- no matter what the cost! ......which explains the crap-circumstances that God allows in our lives......... and that's why that in the harshest of circumstances and in the confusion of our deepest discernments -- that's where we find (in retrospect) that we learned SO MUCH about God's continuing purpose for my life... and just how in-awe i can be, to bask in His infinite focus on me. What more can I do than to be thankful to Him in ALL circumstances -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- when such focus is being placed on me? And what more can I do, than to offer those things back to Him somehow (e.g., sharing about an experience or a painful hurt to a brother or sister going through similar situations -- so that they might see the good that i've seen in my own hurts)?

.............what the heck? did any of that make any sense just now?

"Follow-up and follow-through!"

Time is so precious.

My dad drives my sister to work every morning. On some days, I hitch a ride with them so they can drop me off at the bus stop. (It saves me the 10-minute walk&wait in the cold.) Today, they were ready to go earlier than usual (i.e., on time for a change!), and I thought about telling them to go on without me (I still had time to get ready and catch a later bus, and I didn't want my sister to be late for work), but they insisted that they'd wait for me.

(Surprisingly, I actually remembered everything that I had to bring to school for today.)

On the way to the stop, I calculated the bus schedule to determine how long I had to wait for the bus. As we neared the stop, we noticed that the bus shelter was empty -- an morning-rush-hour indication that the bus had already left only a couple of minutes before. I braced myself for the 15-minute wait for the next bus... and since there's a Tim Horton's drive-through right there near the bus stop, I had time for a morning coffee.

The service at the Timmy's was unusually fast (during rush hour, there is usually a line-up at the drive-through, which slows down the line-up inside the store; there was no line-up inside or outside today).

"Could I get a medium french vanilla & a honey crueller, please?"

Dangit! Of course, if had I just left my house even a few seconds earlier... I would have had time to get a coffee AND catch that bus that just passed me by. *vroom* (Gah, it figures. Obviously, that one was behind schedule...)

And of course, it also means that if I left my house even a minute later, then we would have seen the bus, I would have forgone that coffee (I didn't really need one anyway), I wouldn't have waited in the cold bus shelter, and I would've arrived comfortably early to school.

...But I can't deny the fact that I was able to finish most of my bus-rosary while I waited alone in the shelter, which -- in turn -- allowed me more time to study for the exam i just wrote. scratch that: for the exam i just aced!

---

...time is so precious. Even if my own timetable and comforts aren't going to plan... God Himself is never a moment early, nor a moment late, but He is always on time. There is always a plan, despite missed opportunities (in my case, missing the bus).

...and so may His name be praised. Even for the little things. Especially for the little things, and the little reminders of His ever-watchful eyes on me throughout the day.

ps: happy anniversary, weege+8! (my household). 52-straight weeks of households!

'you closed your eyes. that was the difference.'

i'm gonna hafta remember this.

---

"It is my junior year, 1978, when disco and Rocky movies are the cultural rage. We are in an unusual sociology class at Brandeis, something Morrie calls 'Group Process.' Each week we study the ways in which the students in the group interact with one another, how they respond to anger, jealousy, attention. We are human lab rats. More often than not, someone ends up crying. I refer to it as the 'touchy-feely' course. Morrie says I should be more open-minded.

On this day, Morrie says he has an exercise for us to try. We are to stand, facing away from our classmates, and fall backward, relying on another student to catch us. Most of us are uncomfortable with this, and we cannot let go for more than a few inches before stopping ourselves. We laugh in embarrassement.

Finally, one student, a thin, quiet, dark-haired girl whom I notice almost always wears bulky white fisherman sweaters, crosses her arms over her chest, closes her eyes, leans back, and does not flinch, like one of those Lipton tea commercials where the model splashes into the pool.

For a moment, I am sure she is going to thump on the floor. At the last instant, her assigned partner grabs her head and shoulders and yanks her up harshly.

'Whoa!' several students yell. Some clap.

Morrie finally smiles.

'You see,' he says to the girl, 'you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too -- even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.' "

-- mitch albom (author/narrator), "tuesdays with morrie"

...and so a thought-out blog deserves a thought-out response (for posterity's sake)

posted here.

[to those neighbours thinking you might commit suicide -- falling 1 story down will not kill you... except maybe if you land on your head.]

this is a big blog with lots of big keywords. fate, sentimental, naive, mistakes and regrets, dignity, expectations... and so a thought-out blog deserves a thought-out response:

no, i have no idea where you're coming from, but from your words............... i feel that you are ever closer to finding that 'peace' that we're all looking for and hoping for........ that you have realized time-and-time-again -- even despite whatever good/bad/ugly circumstances and/or shifting emotions that you have witnessed (yourself, or on others)... and whether those things happened recently or long-past... despite those things, you've realized that -- ultimately! -- God has a plan to make good from it... that you have reached a point in your faith where you HAVE faith! That same faith that the greatest heroes of the Bible had, amidst the chaos of their world back then. (Maybe you prayed for that gift of the holy spirit (faith) when you first went through camp? iunno.)

...and when you look up at the sky and see whatever stars shine in your eyes (through all the light pollution) -- that's when you see how perfect God has made everything... and how much focus he puts on us. into molding us out of Love for his purposes. even despite other people's imperfections and faulty actions. or even our own. and that's why you feel peace amidst the chaos of this world...............

and you're right: nobody can go back. ...but knowing what we know NOW... would we really want to? ...because we both know it's in the circumstances and crazy emotions that God allowed for us.... it's those things that have refined us.

...of course, i could be waaaaaaay off with all this....
otherwise? you're not alone with that sense of peace... it's the most reassuring thing.

ps: stace, you're awesome. yay for stargazing! =)

...with the things he knew to be true (for posterity's sake)

xanga comment posted in response to this blog.

---

...why are you afraid of being hated? why are you afraid of being persecuted for your beliefs?

...i'll go out and say it: are you not Christian? of course you're entitled to your opinion, but why not bring yourself into the light of truth -- with the truth you might provide? Jesus stirred the pot out of necessity with the things he knew to be true... without fear. Will you not *openly stir the pot as he did, and let the consequences be where they may? (he went all the way to death, but those fearless stirrings were made out of love for people, not out of selfish anger.)

and even if you aren't Christian... people don't care what you know... unless they know that you care. people will find it very difficult to respect your opinion, no matter how "right" it may be. or even how caring it sounds. without a person behind those words... the words become a resounding gong... loud, but ultimately meaningless and forgettable.

besides, you deserve credit for the things you do and the words you say to uplift someone! you deserve the credit, and the respect that comes with it! that same respect from others who know that you -- specifically you! -- forgot about yourself, your circumstances, or even your feelings to help and encourage someone else to do good. (you don't help others for the sake of gaining respect or to be liked, of course! ...but allow us to respect you anyway, so that our prayers for everything in your life -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- can be made specific.)

all things said in anger and hatred.. will beget immature hatred. especially from people who don't see that good things can come from 'bad' circumstances or feelings... or hurtful words. so long as we make the effort to do what's good, and to learn what's good while we are going through the process of 'bad'.

i don't expect an immediate turn-around, but.....dear friend, i pray that the anger (and/or the fear) behind this blog has subsided by this time. at the very least, please consider those questions............

Posted 4/18/2006 at 12:04 PM by bobo929

ticking time B.O.M.B.

in further response. link-back to xanga.

Whenever I write something I feel is important... I save a copy of it in a Notepad somewhere and forget about it for the most part. The following is an email I sent out to the core team of YFC Toronto, East 2 (the name of our chapter before it became North West Scarborough), sometime after the very first Scavenger Haunt (back in 2003! oh, that's my most memorable service with you guys). Some of you reading this might even remember the circumtances..... if not, you'll remember by reading the email.

to the current leaders, i offer this as proof that i have experienced what you are experiencing. i also offer it as proof so that you might see that the issue is temporary... but it will also take work to get through it!

to the the old East 2 core members, still active in today's core... remember some of our fallen brothers and sisters who were in core and aren't active anymore (for some reason or another). i miss them a lot, too. Remember them in your service, and pray that the leaders you are raising will not abandon the call and privelege that God freely gives us (and gives everyone in their own time!) to serve him.

to the general membership, i offer this as an apology for the times when i didn't reach out to you because of my own comforts.

PS: B.O.M.B. stands for "bring old members back" !

---

-------------------------------------
Abbey Umali; Angel Maloles; Ascaños; Brendan Yapp; Brian Padua; Charmaine Iledan; Chico Nuguid; Duques; Faye Nicolas; Ian Canlas; Jaime Nicolas; Jeff Reyes; Jesse Falcon;
Karen Eleazar; Khristine Camu; Maria Tan; Larizza Hatulan; Libramontes; Katrina Hipol; Paulo Aquino; Ricardo Canlas; Shelly Tan
-------------------------------------

Attention ALL LEADERS

(as Charmaine would put it,)
Holler!

After interviews with a couple of reliable sources, recent observations suggest that we have been spending too much time with eachother at assemblies.

As members, we all depended on the fellowship of our friends and leaders to stay active and to have fun. Developing tight friendships and having fun is what has kept us active in YFC, and allowed us to grow in Jesus' fellowship.

Some members have developed those friendships because of school (namely @Libermann), but others have not yet.

It may be time to step out of our comfort zones once again, and reach out to those who are still willing to come, but have not developed those friendships.

Don't get me wrong -- I love chilling with you guys. It's fine if we love chilling with our friends. YFC is based on keeping faith, having fun, and lasting friendships.

But how could we ever B.O.M.B., if we can't keep the members God has already blessed us with?

We can keep them, if we work at it.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Big changes are happening all over YFC, especially within our chapter. With Chico moving on to HS-based, and Jesse being our new Chapter Head, many changes are sure to happen.

Along with these changes, let's look ahead to future possibilites of change by looking at some stats:

------------------------------------------
Average age of attendees at scavenger haunt, rounded:

girls - 15.0
oldest active attendee: grade 11
guys - 14.0
oldest active attendee: grade 12

By the end of the year, average age of East 2 leaders (i.e., leaders who attended RLC), rounded:

girls - 17.5 years
youngest leaders: grade 10
guys - 18.0 years
youngest leaders: grade 11
------------------------------------------

A shift in leadership age is nessecary. Leaders are getting older, while members are getting younger. Eventually, the older leaders will have to move on, especially the leaders who are no longer in high school.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

We ourselves became leaders because *we had leaders who saw the potential in us. They saw potential in us, by first becoming our friends.

Beginning at the next assembly: Let's try to LIMIT that chill-time with ourselves, to go out of our comfort zones and make new friends. As we had leaders who had confidence in our ability to *be leaders, let's offer that same confidence to our members, so that they may have the confidence to be leaders themselves.

Let's give that time to our members, to see what each member can contribute to the community of YFC. God will grant us the future leaders that He needs, to ensure
the survival and continued growth of East 2.

Who knows, maybe we'll have at least one more close friend because of it!

Things to look out for:
+ first and foremost, your household!
+ people eating by themselves,
+ older members (grade 11+)
+ people who *don't attend Libermann,

[With that said, I now hold myself accountable...]

---

.....and we got through it, right guys? and when we look back on it... it wasn't really anything big. "YFC Drama" should be the name of an improv team, not a label for such small issues that currently happening.

Like in my blog... know that God will make good from the situ., but I must do the necessary to bring about that good. (in any situ.! now do you see why Roseller and I linked eachother's blogs, even if they differed in topics so widely?) I throw no accusations to specific people (I've no right to cast the first stone), but this is because everyone becomes accountable. All of the membership. (Remember that a "leader" is also a member, just with a couple of volunteer responsibilities.) Everybody. Either for not speaking up sooner, or for not taking responsibility and accountability. Even I feel responsible... and it makes me question whether I did enough as a chapterhead. But this is the only way that I might reach an audience with you guys, and perhaps to atone for mistakes I made while being Trina's counterpart for that short time.

This applies. The toughest thing for us to do is to bring people into this community... a community that we know has cared for us, and that we know God has blessed with a great calling. But the best way to bring people in... is just to show our great love for eachother.......

So if God must break my heart for me to learn... let it be done time and time again, so that everyone can know the joy that he's filled it with. in the hardship of service, in family relations, in the bad circumstances, in my own mistake and sin, in my own shortcomings... let him transform it into something good, so that the world might know that there is more to this life than just myself! ....that we're not just born into a meaningless life to die without making a difference.....

For posterity's sake.

posted here.

When you break it down to its roots, I feel that the question becomes...should i break up with someone for the sole purpose of going out with someone else? anyone who is confused about how they feel towards two people.... ultimately realizes that they love neither of them. When the question is phrased for what it really is (instead using the technicalities of 'good' and 'better')... one finds selfishness in their thoughts, for nit-picking between the qualities they like and dislike between the two. when we are truly in love (especially during that bliss period), we accept everything about that one person. ....everything!

in your scenarios (without giving any background storyline), if one picks the new person, "oh, if i only stuck it through a while longer with them, i wonder how things would've turned out?" << especially if circumstances change for the worse. if they stay with the familiar, "oh, what if i took that chance with other person?" << again, especially if circumstances change for the worse.

.....in either situation, a descision has to be made, so that no one is left 2nd-guessing their actions. love usually begins as a feeling, but as we go further down the line.... it's also a decision to love. and to keep loving. and to love, despite whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. and to love, despite the little quirks and flaws we discover in that person.

even despite what my heart feels... if (for example) God has already revealed that the more loving thing to do for them is to let them go, then... (don't miss the point -- you do this for them, not just so you can go off with that other person....)

on the flip side, if (for example) I must break ties with this new person to guarantee that i won't regret anything later on towards my current 'significant other,' then...

Personally, and especially over the past year, I've learned to take my cue from Jesus: "Father, if you would let this cup pass over me, please!! I'm scared to be crucified!!! ...but if it's in Your will, Lord, then... i'll do it for You. And for them."

[Sorry. This is a blog in itself. I could give examples, but I'm curious to see how this discussion goes... msn or email me!]

Posted 4/15/2006 at 2:14 PM by bobo929

right girl at the wrong time, or wrong girl at the right time? pt.2

{Click here and here for required reading first! [And take in (the persona) below.]}

---

...So if you've ever been in a relationship, then you know what the bliss period is. Some of you may currently be here. It's those first few weeks and months when (just about) everything about your partner is acceptable -- their personality (including their quirks), the way they treat their friends and family (as well as you), their past experiences (as much as they've shared with you), their plans for their own future (hoping that there is some kind of plan), their view of your relationship (this grows and changes along the way), and how big (or small) a part that their faith plays in their lives. A bliss period can span quite long if the circumstances are right. And who knows? Maybe this is the right person for me. Everything just seems and feels so right this time.

...But then certain things start to get in the way. As hurtful as it is to admit it, flaws start to appear, or unfavourable circumstances start to occur (of course, it's bound to happen sooner or later). Maybe her family doesn't like me hanging around. How come he doesn't take me out as often? She doesn't really appreciate all the things I do for her. Is he just using me to help him through school? While we're on that note, my grades are falling way everyone's expectations: even my own! My parents are thinking of moving to the subsurbs, or even out of the province. He has no idea how I'm feeling right now, nor does it seem like he cares! She doesn't seem to have any motivation to succeed in life. We can't even share our faith with eachother! When things first started out, i was sure that they were the right person for me... but perhaps all the ways i'm getting hurt is just circumstances getting in the way of our relationship at the moment. Maybe it's just the wrong time for us.

...And if you're lucky, you learn how to deal with the circumtances. You learn patience (to not let the way you feel control the way you act and react). You learn forgiveness (of others, as well as self-forgiveness). You learn how to love more deeply. And things resume as they were before.

...But sometimes we're unlucky. The circumstances that God puts you through start to become unbearable, even despite the efforts to allow God to take control of them. Arguments over small things begin to pile-up. My patience has been wearing thin. He hurt me so badly this time that forgiveness is the farthest thing from my mind. All my sacrifices for her haven't amounted to anything in her mind. In all this time, I let myself be blinded by his charm that I didn't see him using it for selfish reasons. In all this time, I let myself be blinded by her beauty that I didn't see her abusing my forgiving heart. So maybe this is the wrong person after all. And when I pray... I feel (and i fear!) that God's put me in these circumstances to tell me that this is the wrong time to be in a relationship altogether.

[Alternatively, the right person wouldn't treat me this badly! I can tell that they're definitely the wrong person. Now's the right time for me to leave!]

Oh, dear God, but it hurts so much! I was so sure of everything back then... I understand that you gave me the gift of emotions, and feelings for this person. Why did you lead me to them? I even prayed before getting myself in this relationship. And I prayed for your blessing throughout it as well (............when things were rough.) And now you've led me away from them. Don't you love me, God? Why did you let me go through all those happy feelings... only for me to end up so hurt in the end?

...Maybe you had friends who were trying to tell you that they weren't treating you as you deserved. Or that you were being way to optimistic of unrealistic. Everything always turns out in the movies; how come it didn't turn out for me? I believed in Love. Hopefully those friends haven't given up on you by the time you reach this point. Although good friends will tell you that they treated you like crap and that you deserve so much better..... better friends will share in your suffering. Better friends will also tell you the truth. So maybe I didn't treat them so perfectly-well in every situation, either. Better friends will continuously look for ways to re-assure you that God has a perfect plan in everything -- in his perfect timing.

...but you know what? God taught me so much about myself in this time! He put me through all of those circumstances to prepare me for the one whom he has planned for me... the one who is truly deserving of everything I can give them. Until then, I must still do my part to be 'right' by God's standards. So even if they ended up being the wrong person (i.e., not being the person that God intends for me).... it all happened in the right time. My friends have re-assured me that God has a plan, and i've seen how he's helped them out before -- even despite their feelings. My experience will help someone someday...

---

Everyone, please remember: God never wastes a hurt! Despite the hurt feelings, despite mistake and sin... he'll use our painful experiences for good someday! We've all had some kind of experience wherein we can share with someone going through a rough time in their life: "i know how you feel... i went through exactly the same thing!" ...and the "right/wrong person at the right/wrong time" scenarios are just examples of hurts that some of us have gone through that will eventually help someone else someday. At the same time, we can learn so much from the experience ourselves (e.g., forgiveness and patience in the above scenario). Most people just need a listening ear and an understanding heart for them to get through the rough times.

Like I said, it was never really an either/or question, nor a 'choose-the-lesser-of-two-evils' kind of situation. When I gave context to the two phrases (a storyline, if you will), the definitions were formed. When circumstances changed, definitions also changed -- but so did our outlook on the situation. Likewise, our own past storylines will make the definitions, our future circumstances will make the changes, and our outlook on everything (here's hoping!) will improve. In the end, we realize that God can use any hurts in my life for greatness.

....but for argument's sake...? my own experience has taught me that the 'right time' (for a relationship in our case) is when God deems me ready for one. Everything follows from that. (See my last comment here for what I mean.) Of course, this means (as Migs put it) getting my slow-ass to act once he's prompted me, and not a moment sooner (nor a moment later! It might be too late by then!).

(I'll let that open-up a whole new can-o'-worms.)

(PS: This was a good read.)

[FW:] What does love mean?

{[email excerpts]}

From: ****@****.com
To: bobo929@hotmail.com ....
Subject: FW: WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2006 22:21:41 -0400

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could haveimagined. See what you think:
_____
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
_____
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
_____
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
_____
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
_____
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
_____
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
_____
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
_____
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
_____
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
_____
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
_____
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
_____
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
_____
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Nothing, I just helped him cry."

"What good is God's armour..."

"What good is God's armour, when there is no warrior inside it?"
-pastor phil dooley, hillsong united (april 8th, 2005, (toronto))

...because it doesn't matter if we're protected... if we're not gonna go out to fight, we won't make a difference in this world.

"going out to fight" can take many different forms...

i figure that the best use life in this world would be to spend it doing things that will outlast me. serving is really the only way to go when it comes down that... whether it's serving the community, or serving the people of this world -- all for for God's glory.

and no, serving is not easy, nor should we expect it to be. the only thing we can really claim is that the war is already won.... but the daily battles must still be fought. those battles with emotions, or hardships in friend-relationships, hardships in exclusive relationships, the struggles with our daily/weekly schedules, or the aggrevations over money and how "we can never have enough."

"going out to fight" would then mean to win the daily personal battles, and then to share the success we had while fighting alongside Jesus and the Holy Spirit... it's definitely encouraging to know that our fellow soldiers have had victories.

dunno if any of it makes sense so far... and i'd finish these thoughts, but my body and eyes are so exhausted. AND i wasn't actually at the concert, remember guys?

there's something about seeing junior-grade elementary kids playing out in the street (the 8-years & under crowd).... especially when they're on bicycles. kinda makes me wanna cry. partly because they can actually ride a bicycle (i never learned how! =s)... but also because i'm glad that there are still people who are still shielded from the realities of life.... like being stressed from too much school or work, or paying the bills and mortgage, friends passing away, social pressures, parental pressure to succeed...

make me wanna have kids... (well, i've always wanted to have kids for some strange reason. even when i was a kid!) to take care of them, of course, but also to be reminded of my own innocence when i was younger... i know that i couldn't shield them from the harsh realities forever (and i shouldn't!) but their innocence to those realities is... so refreshing. and having them around would keep me grounded if i let be caught up in the politics of friendship or of the community or of marriage... and especially if i get caught up in my emotions.

i think that children are already born with a mastery of the question, "is it better to be right, or to be kind?" ...and how many times in my life have i selfishly answered "i must be right!"

well, it's either have kids, or learn how to ride a bike.

everything is okay in the end.
if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

--sister's msn nick

since that dang strike ended... and now that i've finally received all the (updated) course outlines for the semester (in all their curricumlum-compressed glory!! ..... =s) i'm still very-much afraid that i am going to fail. if i fail from more than 2 courses this semester -- i'll probably be suspended again for another 2 semesters. there's one course that -- if i fail it (again) -- i'll be unable to continue from my program altogether.

god really delivered today, though. i had a (quote/unquote) "mid-term" (WTF? mid-term on week 12???) test today on my worst subject this semester (2nd-sem. electronics! *cries*) that i didn't know about until 30-minutes before it started. i've never crammed so hard in my life...... not that any of it made much difference (although i know that there was ONE question that i wouldn't have been able to answer otherwise)...

thankfully, it was only 36 multiple choice questions... and that's where i thrive. i know we have to strive for excellence when it comes to school, but sorry -- all i could do is just pass on this one. i know i got my 60%. [no friggin' way am i going to let myself hang onto a credit by a thread-of-a-50%]

...i hope.

dear god... you know i am afraid that any more failures will only further delay the plans i had for myself.... despite mistake and sin, please be my strength and courage. no matter if it's a pass or fail, i have faith in the knowledge that you will use the experience to someone's benefit! whether mine, or another's.

no matter the outcome, i know you have a miracle just waiting to be revealed!
no matter the outcome, i know you that are guiding me to be more in-line with your plan!

...and how could ever go wrong with that?

i must not fail him pt. 2 // brian's prayer

i must still try!

let thy will be done; if it end in failure by human standards, let it begin the success of a godly standard.

let thy will be done, despite mistake and sin.

let thy will be done, despite the heart's desires.

let it out! let the old me out! break me.............

keep going! do not stop.....

...if there is no chance, let all things fail.

if there is no chance, i must still go on!

....please use it as a source of inspiration someday! whether or not i live to see it inspire.

let it grow beyond myself... let your will grow beyond the cirmumstances you planned circumstances for me. let it out!

...and this, too, shall pass.

[...oh, of course. all in due time! and so he holds off the end...]

define me, and let there be nothing left of me to defend.